Can't seem to stop

I'm eating myself into a deep dark pit of fattness. Its drowning me. I am literally suffocating.

Motivation needed.

Recovery.. does it really exist?

So I guess I could say I've been in recovery for over a year now.

It's stupid using that word really. Does it even apply to me?
I wasn't even skinny enough to condone use of that word.

Well, whatever it is, I've been trying (and sometimes relapsing) to get these food issues out of my life.
At first I really wanted to not be so obsessed.
I wanted to actually not freakout when my friends or family spontaneously decide to go out to eat.
I wanted to enjoy life and not be so absorbed in every single measurement on the food scale or the calorie content.
I wanted the freedom of going grocery shopping and not taking 3 hours to get a basket full of groceries.

And you know what,

I have got that.... Most of the time.

Is it bad that I want to go back?

I'm about 65-66kg (about 145lbs)

I feel disgusting all the time.

I feel like people think that when you have an eating disorder than you must be thin. Did I even really have an eating disorder? or am I just attention seeking by saying that it was an eating disorder? I'm confused.

You know, I went to the doctor, because ever since 2011 when I was in the full height of the eating issues, I've had heart troubles. And now I'm finally getting them scene too. While I was there, it came out that I once had an eating disorder. And you know what he said.. "Bulimia?"
What does that even mean? So I couldn't have any other type of ED because I'm fat? Like what the hell!

Sometimes I think its going to be this way forever. A constant roller-coaster or ED vs recovery.

Has anyone been where I am? I feel alone

Hellooo 2014

Hi!

Its 2014 in case you've been living under a rock- or tucked up in your bedroom.
Oh and by the way, I'm going to loose 4kg to take me to 61kg which is a nice healthy weight.
It's also realistic and only 2kgs more than my LW in 2011- ah that was a good year.

Everything was so good when I was constantly loosing weight.
Lets go back to doing that again :)
You think so? I think so too!

I have my first (of 3) personal training sessions on monday!
I told him how much I want to loose and he says it will be no problem.- Here's to hoping

I've been eating pretty healthy for a while now but peanut M&M's and I are becoming too friendly, so I think it's time they go. I really need to loose this weight, for nothing but my sanity at least.
I'm sick of hating myself.
I want to feel pretty again.

The best part is that I don't have to eat out so much this year which is so awesome.
It's time to go find skinny in the closet and put it back on again. I'll be there by march I feel. If not sooner.

Lets do this.

Living a perfect lie

Don't we all?

The truth is, lies have cracks and even the best of facades deteriorate.
It may be slow but in the end we loose.
The point is, I can't live a lie.

Don't get me wrong, some days are easy. Those days are filled with enough food to drown your mind into a numbing buzz in the back ground asking you why you're eating all that food when you know you will hate yourself even more late.
It's seems to be the only way to cope. It's like the only time that my mind partially stops yelling at me, is when i take on the 'i don't care' attitude.

And that is why I've gained 8kg.

I might as well not have been through all of 2011. All the hard work, because now I'm almost back where I started. I can't do it..

One day soon I'll be engaged to the man of my dreams.

I can't. Not like this. I know he loves me for me but I just can't.
I need this weight gone before he asks.
I need it all gone. Then I will be beautiful. I miss the bones which I used to feel when i brushed my hand over my body. Now there hidden well below the depths of a fat covering.
I hate every inch of my body.
I'm disgusted when i look at myself and I'm depressed.
I can never sleep and all I do is eat, I can't stop.
But I have to. I have to change. I need to be free, I feel like I'm drowning but no one can hear my screams.
I've tried over and over and over again and the weight doesn't budge.
I've done it all, the exercise and healthy eating.
I can't be like this when he asks, I just can't.

I only have until December 17.
Any time after then he could ask and I have to be ok by then.

Thinspo for the mind

Is it ever going to end

I don't know what to say.

I feel so lost.

I don't know me any more.

I'm lost amongst this weight.

I calculated how many calories per day i need to eat; 740 Calories/day to lose 1 kg per week

I'm going to try. I'll aim for 900 instead. For this week at least.

Last monday I weighed 68.5kg's I was horrified. I've tried this week but I should have tried harder. I guess only monday will tell.

I know its hard for others who look into a situation like this but don't know what its like.
My sister and boyfriend try to help but they really have no idea. The words don't make a difference.

And then we break

A, don't read this one ok.



We went on the cruise and now were back to ordinary life.

I kind of had a bit of a break down one night.
My dad took a photo of myself and my boyfriend dancing and I saw it.
I looked like I was 73kg's again, and I'm not far off as it is, so I broke.
I couldn't stop crying, I was so upset at how I look now because for a while there I forgot.

He made me forget.

I guess thats the problem when someone tries to fix you when you can't be fixed.
Not so much just can't, but some parts don't want to be fixed.

I want to loose weight no matter the cost.
He will never understand that.

Sometimes I feel like he thinks this is easy. Food is never easy. Every mouthful is a battle, wether I'm eating healthy or not. I wish he knew the struggle.

I see the cycle. I'm gaining a lot of weight slowing but most definitely. I can see it now, and I can feel it. It needs to be gone.
As it increases, so does the loathing and horrible thoughts. I want to be healthy, yes. I exercise more now and I have to cut down the sugary foods again but I'm sick of being told that. Don't you think I already know?? I see the other girls and I know deep down he really wants me to loose weight.
He doesn't see it, but the small remarks tell me he does.
He first fell in love with me when I was almost my skinniest.

In the end its the same story. Bones are beautiful, this fat is not.

It's time to welcome them back.

I'm not sorry if this hurts them, because it's for me. I will be happier.

2 steps forward, 5 back

So I made it to 63 kg's.
Now my boyfriends back from asia, I'm 67kgs. I hate myself.