Can't seem to stop

I'm eating myself into a deep dark pit of fattness. Its drowning me. I am literally suffocating.

Motivation needed.

Recovery.. does it really exist?

So I guess I could say I've been in recovery for over a year now.

It's stupid using that word really. Does it even apply to me?
I wasn't even skinny enough to condone use of that word.

Well, whatever it is, I've been trying (and sometimes relapsing) to get these food issues out of my life.
At first I really wanted to not be so obsessed.
I wanted to actually not freakout when my friends or family spontaneously decide to go out to eat.
I wanted to enjoy life and not be so absorbed in every single measurement on the food scale or the calorie content.
I wanted the freedom of going grocery shopping and not taking 3 hours to get a basket full of groceries.

And you know what,

I have got that.... Most of the time.

Is it bad that I want to go back?

I'm about 65-66kg (about 145lbs)

I feel disgusting all the time.

I feel like people think that when you have an eating disorder than you must be thin. Did I even really have an eating disorder? or am I just attention seeking by saying that it was an eating disorder? I'm confused.

You know, I went to the doctor, because ever since 2011 when I was in the full height of the eating issues, I've had heart troubles. And now I'm finally getting them scene too. While I was there, it came out that I once had an eating disorder. And you know what he said.. "Bulimia?"
What does that even mean? So I couldn't have any other type of ED because I'm fat? Like what the hell!

Sometimes I think its going to be this way forever. A constant roller-coaster or ED vs recovery.

Has anyone been where I am? I feel alone

Hellooo 2014

Hi!

Its 2014 in case you've been living under a rock- or tucked up in your bedroom.
Oh and by the way, I'm going to loose 4kg to take me to 61kg which is a nice healthy weight.
It's also realistic and only 2kgs more than my LW in 2011- ah that was a good year.

Everything was so good when I was constantly loosing weight.
Lets go back to doing that again :)
You think so? I think so too!

I have my first (of 3) personal training sessions on monday!
I told him how much I want to loose and he says it will be no problem.- Here's to hoping

I've been eating pretty healthy for a while now but peanut M&M's and I are becoming too friendly, so I think it's time they go. I really need to loose this weight, for nothing but my sanity at least.
I'm sick of hating myself.
I want to feel pretty again.

The best part is that I don't have to eat out so much this year which is so awesome.
It's time to go find skinny in the closet and put it back on again. I'll be there by march I feel. If not sooner.

Lets do this.

Living a perfect lie

Don't we all?

The truth is, lies have cracks and even the best of facades deteriorate.
It may be slow but in the end we loose.
The point is, I can't live a lie.

Don't get me wrong, some days are easy. Those days are filled with enough food to drown your mind into a numbing buzz in the back ground asking you why you're eating all that food when you know you will hate yourself even more late.
It's seems to be the only way to cope. It's like the only time that my mind partially stops yelling at me, is when i take on the 'i don't care' attitude.

And that is why I've gained 8kg.

I might as well not have been through all of 2011. All the hard work, because now I'm almost back where I started. I can't do it..

One day soon I'll be engaged to the man of my dreams.

I can't. Not like this. I know he loves me for me but I just can't.
I need this weight gone before he asks.
I need it all gone. Then I will be beautiful. I miss the bones which I used to feel when i brushed my hand over my body. Now there hidden well below the depths of a fat covering.
I hate every inch of my body.
I'm disgusted when i look at myself and I'm depressed.
I can never sleep and all I do is eat, I can't stop.
But I have to. I have to change. I need to be free, I feel like I'm drowning but no one can hear my screams.
I've tried over and over and over again and the weight doesn't budge.
I've done it all, the exercise and healthy eating.
I can't be like this when he asks, I just can't.

I only have until December 17.
Any time after then he could ask and I have to be ok by then.

Thinspo for the mind

Is it ever going to end

I don't know what to say.

I feel so lost.

I don't know me any more.

I'm lost amongst this weight.

I calculated how many calories per day i need to eat; 740 Calories/day to lose 1 kg per week

I'm going to try. I'll aim for 900 instead. For this week at least.

Last monday I weighed 68.5kg's I was horrified. I've tried this week but I should have tried harder. I guess only monday will tell.

I know its hard for others who look into a situation like this but don't know what its like.
My sister and boyfriend try to help but they really have no idea. The words don't make a difference.

And then we break

A, don't read this one ok.



We went on the cruise and now were back to ordinary life.

I kind of had a bit of a break down one night.
My dad took a photo of myself and my boyfriend dancing and I saw it.
I looked like I was 73kg's again, and I'm not far off as it is, so I broke.
I couldn't stop crying, I was so upset at how I look now because for a while there I forgot.

He made me forget.

I guess thats the problem when someone tries to fix you when you can't be fixed.
Not so much just can't, but some parts don't want to be fixed.

I want to loose weight no matter the cost.
He will never understand that.

Sometimes I feel like he thinks this is easy. Food is never easy. Every mouthful is a battle, wether I'm eating healthy or not. I wish he knew the struggle.

I see the cycle. I'm gaining a lot of weight slowing but most definitely. I can see it now, and I can feel it. It needs to be gone.
As it increases, so does the loathing and horrible thoughts. I want to be healthy, yes. I exercise more now and I have to cut down the sugary foods again but I'm sick of being told that. Don't you think I already know?? I see the other girls and I know deep down he really wants me to loose weight.
He doesn't see it, but the small remarks tell me he does.
He first fell in love with me when I was almost my skinniest.

In the end its the same story. Bones are beautiful, this fat is not.

It's time to welcome them back.

I'm not sorry if this hurts them, because it's for me. I will be happier.

2 steps forward, 5 back

So I made it to 63 kg's.
Now my boyfriends back from asia, I'm 67kgs. I hate myself.

Monday weigh-in 4th FEB 2013!!

By God's grace, I'm 63.9kg's today :D
 ... so I got a PEDICURE!

Biggest food struggles this week;
  Tomorrow I'm making curry. Holy bible I love that stuff.
  Even worse; Wednesday, I'm meeting up with my boyfriends Mum for cake and coffee (ie diet coke for me). I've checked my calories and will only have carrot cake (about 800cal per slice), not chocolate mud (1280 cal).
AND I'm going to cut half away before I eat it and take it to my sister to eat.
PLUS I'm going to get his mum to try some.
She is so sweet though. Seriously like a surrogate mum to me.

BONUS; 
So... I said previously that I've never been on a cruise before.. well I thought I go spoilt on my graduation with all the presents I got.. turns out my parents go one more.. I'M GOING ON A CRUISE BABY!

Cue nautical thinspo!

Take a look back

I was looking at some photos of back in 2011 when I was thin. WOW. So much has changed.

I posted a photo on here of what I looked like at the time, I think it was about 59kg's which is the weight I'd like to be again. Here is the photo;

Taking a look back now, I'm actually quite impressed.

Collar bones, thin legs. (the one on the left was bent so it looks weird)

I decided to then go and try that skirt on again, I haven't worn it since that night.

Pfffffftttt! Yeah, not putting that on again until I loose a few kilo's! 

It wasn't stretched to the max, but my legs did not look appealing in it at all.

I was working towards 64kg's tomorrow (Monday), but I didn't do any exercise other then a few sit ups today, and yesterday I snacked quite a lot (on healthy food but still), which put my weight up 300g!! 

Sigh. I guess we won't know how badly I missed the mark until tomorrow.

On a positive note; I'm looking at doing a fundraiser 4km walk/run in May, I did one in 2010, and I'm hoping to beat my time of 32 minutes.

Questions Answered; this one's for you Little Miss {not} Piggy

1. If you could mould yourself how you wanted to look, what would you look like?

3 words; Victoria's Secret Model.

2. What is the most attractive thing someone could do for you?

If we're talking about in a relationship, hmm know me so well that just by looking at me they know when I'm not ok, yet the rest of the world sees a smiling face.

3. What drives you crazy about the same sex and opposite? Crazy in a good way; not angry!

Oh my gosh, ARM MUSCLES on guys (ie my boyfriend) yum yum yum. 

For girls, well i have no idea!

4. What is one thing in your life you wish you could do differently if you had the chance?

Probably be skinny and tried harder in high school  

5. Has anyone ever made you feel insecure about your least favourite body part? Did this cause the hate or did it exist already?

The first time I ever saw my weight as a problem was when my drunk granddad told me I needed to loose a few kilo's. I was 11 and had been in hospital for almost a year which meant I was unable to do exercise- thats why I packed on the pounds. Before that I never thought about myself as overweight.

6. What would you like to do when you're older?

TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL and more TRAVEL! 

Then once I've seen the world, I'll get married, live in the country, and have lots and lots of kids.

7. What time period would you love to live in? Past, present, future, why?

PAST for sure. I've never felt like I fit in here (ie the present). 

My personal values, beliefs and morals are really old school (I'm talking late 1700-early 1800's), with a bit of the 1950-60's thrown in.

I believe women and men have different roles in life, and when I get married, I will stay at home and raise my children. They will not have mobile phones, iPods/iPads, laptops etc before they are about 16. I see no reason why children of today have these devices!

8. If you had to put a label on yourself, what would it say?

Broken

9. What is one of your most embarrassing moments of your life?

Oh gosh, when I was at my friends 16th birthday (we are 3 months apart), and she undid my bikini top and my boobs feel out. 

10. What five things would you save first in a house fire?

Family, cat, important documents (ie birth certificate, passport), laptop, and the painting I will own in a few months by LEONID AFREMOV. *Sigh* I can't wait!

11. What is one thing you've never done, but would love to do?

Hot air ballooning! Which I will be doing in April/ May :D

*edit* oh and go on a cruise 

Sticks and stones...

I found this on Pinterest tonight;

Sums up my night nicely.
3 days ago on Australia Day, my perfect skinny sister, told me to stop eating because I'd had too much to eat. Tonight she told me I needed to go back to the gym.
For those of you who have been there since the beginning, that was the exact comment in 2011 which started this whole journey.

It destroyed me to hear it again. I'm so sick of her telling me what I should and should not do.
FUCK it pisses me off.
Goal for tomorrow 700 calories. Haven't been counting properly in ages, my food scales in the kitchen broke so its pretty much rough estimations.
I want to be 63kg's by the 11th of Feb, which is my first day in the hospital as a Registered Nurse.
Let's do this.

I never thought I'd be back here

Two months ago I vowed I would never be back here.

Why? 

I realised I had a problem in 2011 when all of this consumed my every waking thought and moment.

2012 things started to ease off.
That guy I mentioned.. we're dating now.
The scariest part is that he knows. He knows all about this, I told him everything.

The worst part is that he tries to fix me. For a while it worked, I ate 'normally', without major guilt or self destructive thoughts running through my head. He says he likes 'curvy' girls, which just confirms that I'm fat. We all know 'curvy' is a polite way of saying fat. I've gained 3 kilos since we have been together (2 months today).
The best part is that he makes me happy. Happiness is so rare in this world, especially when my world is falling apart around me.
My parents are getting a divorce.
One good thing other than my boyfriend, I am officially a REGISTERED NURSE!

2013
Well, its about new dreams, new beginnings and a new start.
So I'm continuing on, but starting fresh.
Goal weight; 59 kilograms.

Empty

Don't you love that feeling of going to bed empty and knowing you're not getting any fatter?

- Answer; Hell yes!

Today

Today was a good day. I met up with my friend who knows about this. She understands what it's like and knows how easy it is to give in and be absorbed by this whole thing.
I worry that I might trigger her though, but I can finally say how I really feel.
We talk about that guy a lot. She gets why I can't picture him being with me due to this weight.
I just wish he knew.

Great news though; My stomach muscles are knitting back together! and it's getting easier to do my sit ups so I've bumped it up to 25, but last night I did at least 40. By next week it will be 30.  

Muffin tops, this guy, thinspo

So I went away for my 21st birthday present - curtesy of my parents. 

I'm now 2 kilos heaver. Fuck.

66.? kilos. Honestly I'm just so fricken unmotivated now. 

I see the fat and its repulsive. 

I can't fit in my clothes without looking huge. I can't do up my jeans without a MASSIVE muffin top.
I also got half my hair cut off and I hate it. Good by long sexy hair. Hello plain jane medium length.
 I also go the mark back for my FINAL assessment which was worth 70% of that class; I received 91%

Have I ever told you about this guy? I think I mentioned him a long time ago. 

Well he likes me, he's like my best friend.

I never saw him that way before, but it's like the more I think about him,

 the more I can see us together. It's really strange, but sometimes I dream about us and we are so happy together. Then I think about how much I'm analysing the situation and I wonder if in fact I am only beginning to 'like' him because I think about it so often and its causing my view to change. 

My friend who know all about his said that he has it really bad for me.

The worst part is I wish I could tell him all of this, about this blog, about my struggles, but I'm afraid I guess. More about him actually seeing me then about him judging me. 

He's not like that.

My other great friend met him. (The one I've been friends with for 7-8 years now).

She told me to be careful, which is something coming from her. 

She also said they talked about me, * sigh * , and apparently he thinks I'm beautiful, gorgeous, etc. Her exact words were 'he basically thinks the sun shines out of your arse'. 

I got angry and kind of exploded because I don't see what he sees in me. 

Just the though of his hands, or anyones, around me or on me is repulsive. 

I can't stop thinking about the fat he would feel or the way I know that's all I would think about if he ever touched me. 

What makes it worse is that he is skinny, I mean the guy has some serious muscle, but I am literally double his size with fat dripping off of me and would honestly crush him if I even put my weight on him. Or should I say engulf him in the fat mess. No matter how much muscle anyone has it would never be enough.

Lets just add all that to the list of why we can't be together.

p.s. Even though all of that has happened, I'm keeping up with my 21 sit-ups per night (often going over that). Tomorrow I will was the car, do some laundry and go for a walk in the morning.
Bones are beautiful. GOAL WEIGHT: 59 kilograms by Monday the 10th of december. It's the day I leave for Sydney. 

I could have died

Today I was mortified!
ARGH :(
My parents canceled the gym membership. Please earth open up and swallow me whole!
I love the gym, but i can't afford it. Normal exercise is boring and so are videos and crap like that.
What on earth am I going to do????

It will never be enough

It will never be enough.
I will never be enough.
It's because I'll never be good enough.
That's why I have to keep going.

I want this to consume me again. I crave the consistency of counting calories and seeing bones.
Bones are beautiful. Fat is repulsive.

I met a girl from church, and she told me she used to be bulimic, so I did what I never thought I would ever do, I told her about me. Not everything, but enough. Someone knows.
I have no idea if that was just a stupid thing to do because she will know what I'm thinking every time our group goes out to dinner and all I get is a diet coke.  Its not something anyone else can understand.

When I look in the mirror all I see is me- in a body that is not who I am on the inside.
When I think about who I am inside, I know I'm pretty and average size.
When I look at reality I am constantly disappointed and disgusted by what I see. I want to be that girl in the picture with those bones. I will have collarbones again.



It's gotten to the point where I cant tell the difference between my thighs and my ass.
I can make it all ok again. This is the one thing I can decide to have control over.
It's all on me to do.
I will sacrifice myself to be myself.

It stops now. Yet this is also where I start again.
Goal 1; 21 sit ups per day.