Right at this very moment everything is black.
I'm so ready to end everything.
I want to die.

Restricting

What a horrible weekend!

Over the past maybe 6 months, I've become really close friends with this guy. FRIENDS. I made it quite clear that that's all I've ever wanted.
Friday he ruined it. He confessed his love for me - not in those words obviously- and to sum a long story up; he said we can't be friends anymore because he only wants more.
That I couldn't except. How stupid. We we're friends before he decided to say it, why can't we just go back? It doesn't make sense to me. Can't he just get over it?
Anyway, I told him his comments really hurt me.
Today he accused me of leading him on, and so many other hurtful things.
I deleted him off facebook because I couldn't handle it.


I wanted to breakdown and cry because he means so much to me- just nothing sexual. We have - or should I say HAD- a  completely open and honest friendship, which I think made us closer.
I know he's hurt because he know's I'm not attracted to him, but I thought he was better than to throw low blows like what he did. He just kept getting meaner and more hurtful.

The thing that gets me is, if I meant so much to him; 1. Why would he let me go?  2. Why be so horrible? Hurting me isn't going to make me change my mind or make him feel any better.

Well with my multiple personalities, I wanted to say so much, I was so angry and upset, but depressed and hurt and I wanted to slap him, that I just said nothing and left it at that.

I know what it means though; I just have to be better. I MUST be thinner. And how to do that? Restriction. 






NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels.

Todays intake;

    1x pink lady apple (143g) = 70 calories

    1x orange (209g)= 88 calories

    defrosted green beans (50g) = 11 calories

    1x egg (60g) = 83.5 calories

     about 100ml apple juice= 55 calories max

Input total= 307.5 calories 

I guess I ort to thank him. I'm more determined than I have been in a long time. This will be the week I get out of the 62kg area.

It still hurts, I got to tell him something and remember I can't. But I'll be ok. And the next time he sees me, he won't believe his eyes.












I was bad, I had no breakfast, but I just didn't want it.
Gym today; Fat burner class for an hour. Along with a combination class; Yoga, pilates & Tai Chi for an hour. Apparently that class alone is 390 Calories, but I just don't believe it.  
So I'm totalling the classes as 550 calories all up= Output












Thanks for always being there so I can vent :)




Trying to prepare myself for tomorrow, we're going out to dinner. I know where we are going so luckily I know I can alter their menu, I know I'll get a salad. 

Loss at last

It's exam week, I've completed 1 exam and the other 3 major exams will be next week.
I'm just taking every day as it comes, if I look too far forward I start to get stresses about the exams.



When I feel fat I can't concentrate on anything other than how fat I feel, so my study suffers. That's why this week has helped.

Since beginning the week on 64kg's, (141.1 lb/pounds) I have made a conscious effort every day to watch my intake. I eat a lot healthier, mostly green vegetable sand those high in folate (good for study/brain function), then other vegetables and fruits, egg for protein and porridge for breakfast to sustain me that way I don't snack. I have 1x multivitamin in case I don't get what I need in my diet for the day, and 2x 1500mg fish oil tablets for my studying.


If there is 2 pieces of advice I have it's these, and it's common knowledge:
1. ALWAYS have breakfast- you'll only slow your metabolism down and cause weight gain in the future
2. STOP SNACKING. It cuts out so many extra un-needed calories!
        Some days I get peckish around 3 - 4pm, I cut an apple into quarters, then I take 1 quarter, finey slice it and have that with loads of water. Some times your body really isn't hungry, it's just thirsty. 

I love chewing on gum, and during a day where I have an exam I will put a piece in before hand. Chewing gum improved brain recall and memory by up to 35%.

 I've started doing sit-ups again: 10 on monday and increase by 1 more every day. It's not much, but I can already tell the difference and at least it is achievable.

 So, I'm glad to say I've started to loose at last, in the weight sense that is. I weigh myself every morning   before breakfast, only in my underwear and after I've gone to the toilet. It's more accurate that way. (I've always done it like that)



This mornings weight: 62.4 kg's (137.6 lb/pounds)

It makes me feel great getting on that scale and seeing all my hard work pay off, it's better any any other high there could be.

A small step is all it takes

Indeed, a small step is all it takes to keep going.
I guess I've been at a standstill for a while, but today that changed.
I forced myself to get on the scale this morning and wasn't surprised by what I saw; 64kg's (141.1 pounds)
Today I really tried. And I'm glad to say, I took the first steps to going back into the right direction.
I just tried to cut out the crap basically; no carbs.
All went well, I even avoided having some of my sisters wedges. Stupid deep dried potatoes.
Unfortunately however, I did have some ice-cream around dessert. Luckily it was pretty much only a scoop. So if that's the only bad thing I did today, well then that ok with me.
I also did 10 sit ups this morning. I know, not much, but something is better than nothing!

P.s. Thank you girls for you comments :)  It's nice having people around for once who don't judge me and actually want to me succeed! xox

Not dead, just incredibly lost

Hi. It's been so long. I'm not dead, hence the fact I have written this post.
I've been keeping my distance because it means if I'm here then I have to face the facts.
Facing a reality which hurts too much right now. I'm so incredibly fat it is outrageous. I miss feeling good.

My parents tell me to go to the gym- but I don't.
My sister- oh yes, little miss perfect who goes away for a year and gets fat only to come home and go back to being a skinny bitch again, well, even she tells me I need to loose weight.
I know she's disgusted when she looks at me. She's told me so.

My mind is so lost. I feel like I succeeded last year in every way possible, but this year hasn't been going so well.

If I left you in suspense from my last post, well I'm sorry!
What I wanted to say was;
- taking laxitives long term causes chronic diarrhoea, leading to lack of nutrients
- purging damages the lining of your insides. If you start coughing/ vomiting/purging blood, PLEASE get help ASAP, it means there is a hole in the wall, which causes extreme severe blood loss, and eventual death.

I won't be around for a few more weeks, my exams are here!
I've decided to come clean, a new start, I see no reason to hide my identity;

Hi. My name, my real name, is Megan. I live in Perth, Western Australia.
I have brown hair and brown eyes.
On the 1st of November 2012, this year, I will be 21 years old- and that scares the shit out of me.
I'm in my final year of University to become a Registered Nurse.
I will be thin.
I will do ANYTHING it takes.
And I will look like this;

p.s. This new blogger layout is so confusing!

I am being, and have been, completely honest. If you want to ask me anything at all, I will answer to the best of my ability.

Eating & Eating Disorders

ARGH I hate this new blogger! I'm so confused!

Anyway, here is a link I found this morning to a brief interesting article;
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/health/8453974/schoolgirl-hid-fatal-anorexia-from-family

My date yesterday ended up being so awesome!
I was convinced that we were going ice-skating, but I was completely wrong!
We went to the gold class cinema to see Titanic 3D!!! and just when I thought it couldn't get any better, as the previews were coming on, HIGH TEA was bought out!!!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE high tea!
I didn't even know you could do it there, but turns out even at the upper class cinemas you can do high tea. It blew my mind! And of course the movie was epic.
I don't drink coffee or tea so my sister had organised a hot chocolate instead! Ah she knows me so well.
It was THE best hot chocolate I have ever tasted. Made with milk chocolate. Yum yum yum yum yummmmmm.
It tasted so good, only bad thing, the millions of calories, so of course I didn't eat dinner when I got home and I also popped my pills. Yes, the laxatives. Who knows if it actually works, but it makes me feel better knowing that all the crap that I ate will get out of my system faster.
I have this warped sense that it means I won't put on as much weight because the food doesnt have time to digest properly. This holidays I think (if I remember), I'll do more research into it. I'm sure one of my textbooks will tell me.

That brings me to some of the news I promised to tell you a while back.
 Stay tuned, I'll tell all in my next post.

Date Day

Today I'm going on a date with my little sister (not so little I guess, 18 going on 19 years old)
I took her to the hunger games at the 'Gold Class' Cinemas, which is like a private cinema with recliner chairs instead and you get waited on, its great.
So she's taking me somewhere today, I have no idea what it will actually be, but by what I have to bring, I'm thinking it may be ice-skating?
We are going to breakfast at a cafe by the ocean, it's beautiful there but starting to get cold because we're going into autumn/ winter.  14 degrees Celsius yesterday morning when I went to uni and today its 12.
Then tonight I said we should go to see the Titanic in 3D at the movies so we are.

I've made a crucial decision to 'maintain' my weight for a while.
At least until I can properly concentrate on loosing it.
We are officially having a huge family christmas this year, with everyone I grew up with (before we all moved away to different states), and I will be 55kg's or less by then. It's not a maybe, because it will happen.

Currently 60.3kg's/133 lbs
When I look in the mirror I see fat and flab, just lacking the will power to do anything. I haven't done any exercise in so long, and because of the cold my motivation to exercise is becoming buried by my feather blanket!