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Thursday, June 6, 2013

And then we break

A, don't read this one ok.

We went on the cruise and now were back to ordinary life.

I kind of had a bit of a break down one night.
My dad took a photo of myself and my boyfriend dancing and I saw it.
I looked like I was 73kg's again, and I'm not far off as it is, so I broke.
I couldn't stop crying, I was so upset at how I look now because for a while there I forgot.

He made me forget.

I guess thats the problem when someone tries to fix you when you can't be fixed.
Not so much just can't, but some parts don't want to be fixed.

I want to loose weight no matter the cost.
He will never understand that.

Sometimes I feel like he thinks this is easy. Food is never easy. Every mouthful is a battle, wether I'm eating healthy or not. I wish he knew the struggle.

I see the cycle. I'm gaining a lot of weight slowing but most definitely. I can see it now, and I can feel it. It needs to be gone.
As it increases, so does the loathing and horrible thoughts. I want to be healthy, yes. I exercise more now and I have to cut down the sugary foods again but I'm sick of being told that. Don't you think I already know?? I see the other girls and I know deep down he really wants me to loose weight.
He doesn't see it, but the small remarks tell me he does.
He first fell in love with me when I was almost my skinniest.

In the end its the same story. Bones are beautiful, this fat is not.

It's time to welcome them back.

I'm not sorry if this hurts them, because it's for me. I will be happier.