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Sunday, October 20, 2013

Living a perfect lie

Don't we all?

The truth is, lies have cracks and even the best of facades deteriorate.
It may be slow but in the end we loose.
The point is, I can't live a lie.

Don't get me wrong, some days are easy. Those days are filled with enough food to drown your mind into a numbing buzz in the back ground asking you why you're eating all that food when you know you will hate yourself even more late.
It's seems to be the only way to cope. It's like the only time that my mind partially stops yelling at me, is when i take on the 'i don't care' attitude.

And that is why I've gained 8kg.

I might as well not have been through all of 2011. All the hard work, because now I'm almost back where I started. I can't do it..

One day soon I'll be engaged to the man of my dreams.

I can't. Not like this. I know he loves me for me but I just can't.
I need this weight gone before he asks.
I need it all gone. Then I will be beautiful. I miss the bones which I used to feel when i brushed my hand over my body. Now there hidden well below the depths of a fat covering.
I hate every inch of my body.
I'm disgusted when i look at myself and I'm depressed.
I can never sleep and all I do is eat, I can't stop.
But I have to. I have to change. I need to be free, I feel like I'm drowning but no one can hear my screams.
I've tried over and over and over again and the weight doesn't budge.
I've done it all, the exercise and healthy eating.
I can't be like this when he asks, I just can't.

I only have until December 17.
Any time after then he could ask and I have to be ok by then.

Thinspo for the mind