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Thursday, April 3, 2014

Can't seem to stop

I'm eating myself into a deep dark pit of fattness. Its drowning me. I am literally suffocating.

Motivation needed.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Recovery.. does it really exist?

So I guess I could say I've been in recovery for over a year now.

It's stupid using that word really. Does it even apply to me?
I wasn't even skinny enough to condone use of that word.

Well, whatever it is, I've been trying (and sometimes relapsing) to get these food issues out of my life.
At first I really wanted to not be so obsessed.
I wanted to actually not freakout when my friends or family spontaneously decide to go out to eat.
I wanted to enjoy life and not be so absorbed in every single measurement on the food scale or the calorie content.
I wanted the freedom of going grocery shopping and not taking 3 hours to get a basket full of groceries.

And you know what,

I have got that.... Most of the time.

Is it bad that I want to go back?

I'm about 65-66kg (about 145lbs)

I feel disgusting all the time.

I feel like people think that when you have an eating disorder than you must be thin. Did I even really have an eating disorder? or am I just attention seeking by saying that it was an eating disorder? I'm confused.

You know, I went to the doctor, because ever since 2011 when I was in the full height of the eating issues, I've had heart troubles. And now I'm finally getting them scene too. While I was there, it came out that I once had an eating disorder. And you know what he said.. "Bulimia?"
What does that even mean? So I couldn't have any other type of ED because I'm fat? Like what the hell!

Sometimes I think its going to be this way forever. A constant roller-coaster or ED vs recovery.

Has anyone been where I am? I feel alone

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Hellooo 2014


Its 2014 in case you've been living under a rock- or tucked up in your bedroom.
Oh and by the way, I'm going to loose 4kg to take me to 61kg which is a nice healthy weight.
It's also realistic and only 2kgs more than my LW in 2011- ah that was a good year.

Everything was so good when I was constantly loosing weight.
Lets go back to doing that again :)
You think so? I think so too!

I have my first (of 3) personal training sessions on monday!
I told him how much I want to loose and he says it will be no problem.- Here's to hoping

I've been eating pretty healthy for a while now but peanut M&M's and I are becoming too friendly, so I think it's time they go. I really need to loose this weight, for nothing but my sanity at least.
I'm sick of hating myself.
I want to feel pretty again.

The best part is that I don't have to eat out so much this year which is so awesome.
It's time to go find skinny in the closet and put it back on again. I'll be there by march I feel. If not sooner.

Lets do this.