Can't seem to stop

I'm eating myself into a deep dark pit of fattness. Its drowning me. I am literally suffocating.

Motivation needed.

Recovery.. does it really exist?

So I guess I could say I've been in recovery for over a year now.

It's stupid using that word really. Does it even apply to me?
I wasn't even skinny enough to condone use of that word.

Well, whatever it is, I've been trying (and sometimes relapsing) to get these food issues out of my life.
At first I really wanted to not be so obsessed.
I wanted to actually not freakout when my friends or family spontaneously decide to go out to eat.
I wanted to enjoy life and not be so absorbed in every single measurement on the food scale or the calorie content.
I wanted the freedom of going grocery shopping and not taking 3 hours to get a basket full of groceries.

And you know what,

I have got that.... Most of the time.

Is it bad that I want to go back?

I'm about 65-66kg (about 145lbs)

I feel disgusting all the time.

I feel like people think that when you have an eating disorder than you must be thin. Did I even really have an eating disorder? or am I just attention seeking by saying that it was an eating disorder? I'm confused.

You know, I went to the doctor, because ever since 2011 when I was in the full height of the eating issues, I've had heart troubles. And now I'm finally getting them scene too. While I was there, it came out that I once had an eating disorder. And you know what he said.. "Bulimia?"
What does that even mean? So I couldn't have any other type of ED because I'm fat? Like what the hell!

Sometimes I think its going to be this way forever. A constant roller-coaster or ED vs recovery.

Has anyone been where I am? I feel alone