Living a perfect lie

Don't we all?

The truth is, lies have cracks and even the best of facades deteriorate.
It may be slow but in the end we loose.
The point is, I can't live a lie.

Don't get me wrong, some days are easy. Those days are filled with enough food to drown your mind into a numbing buzz in the back ground asking you why you're eating all that food when you know you will hate yourself even more late.
It's seems to be the only way to cope. It's like the only time that my mind partially stops yelling at me, is when i take on the 'i don't care' attitude.

And that is why I've gained 8kg.

I might as well not have been through all of 2011. All the hard work, because now I'm almost back where I started. I can't do it..

One day soon I'll be engaged to the man of my dreams.

I can't. Not like this. I know he loves me for me but I just can't.
I need this weight gone before he asks.
I need it all gone. Then I will be beautiful. I miss the bones which I used to feel when i brushed my hand over my body. Now there hidden well below the depths of a fat covering.
I hate every inch of my body.
I'm disgusted when i look at myself and I'm depressed.
I can never sleep and all I do is eat, I can't stop.
But I have to. I have to change. I need to be free, I feel like I'm drowning but no one can hear my screams.
I've tried over and over and over again and the weight doesn't budge.
I've done it all, the exercise and healthy eating.
I can't be like this when he asks, I just can't.

I only have until December 17.
Any time after then he could ask and I have to be ok by then.

Thinspo for the mind

Is it ever going to end

I don't know what to say.

I feel so lost.

I don't know me any more.

I'm lost amongst this weight.

I calculated how many calories per day i need to eat; 740 Calories/day to lose 1 kg per week

I'm going to try. I'll aim for 900 instead. For this week at least.

Last monday I weighed 68.5kg's I was horrified. I've tried this week but I should have tried harder. I guess only monday will tell.

I know its hard for others who look into a situation like this but don't know what its like.
My sister and boyfriend try to help but they really have no idea. The words don't make a difference.

And then we break

A, don't read this one ok.



We went on the cruise and now were back to ordinary life.

I kind of had a bit of a break down one night.
My dad took a photo of myself and my boyfriend dancing and I saw it.
I looked like I was 73kg's again, and I'm not far off as it is, so I broke.
I couldn't stop crying, I was so upset at how I look now because for a while there I forgot.

He made me forget.

I guess thats the problem when someone tries to fix you when you can't be fixed.
Not so much just can't, but some parts don't want to be fixed.

I want to loose weight no matter the cost.
He will never understand that.

Sometimes I feel like he thinks this is easy. Food is never easy. Every mouthful is a battle, wether I'm eating healthy or not. I wish he knew the struggle.

I see the cycle. I'm gaining a lot of weight slowing but most definitely. I can see it now, and I can feel it. It needs to be gone.
As it increases, so does the loathing and horrible thoughts. I want to be healthy, yes. I exercise more now and I have to cut down the sugary foods again but I'm sick of being told that. Don't you think I already know?? I see the other girls and I know deep down he really wants me to loose weight.
He doesn't see it, but the small remarks tell me he does.
He first fell in love with me when I was almost my skinniest.

In the end its the same story. Bones are beautiful, this fat is not.

It's time to welcome them back.

I'm not sorry if this hurts them, because it's for me. I will be happier.

2 steps forward, 5 back

So I made it to 63 kg's.
Now my boyfriends back from asia, I'm 67kgs. I hate myself.

Monday weigh-in 4th FEB 2013!!

By God's grace, I'm 63.9kg's today :D
 ... so I got a PEDICURE!

Biggest food struggles this week;
  Tomorrow I'm making curry. Holy bible I love that stuff.
  Even worse; Wednesday, I'm meeting up with my boyfriends Mum for cake and coffee (ie diet coke for me). I've checked my calories and will only have carrot cake (about 800cal per slice), not chocolate mud (1280 cal).
AND I'm going to cut half away before I eat it and take it to my sister to eat.
PLUS I'm going to get his mum to try some.
She is so sweet though. Seriously like a surrogate mum to me.

BONUS; 
So... I said previously that I've never been on a cruise before.. well I thought I go spoilt on my graduation with all the presents I got.. turns out my parents go one more.. I'M GOING ON A CRUISE BABY!

Cue nautical thinspo!

Take a look back

I was looking at some photos of back in 2011 when I was thin. WOW. So much has changed.

I posted a photo on here of what I looked like at the time, I think it was about 59kg's which is the weight I'd like to be again. Here is the photo;

Taking a look back now, I'm actually quite impressed.

Collar bones, thin legs. (the one on the left was bent so it looks weird)

I decided to then go and try that skirt on again, I haven't worn it since that night.

Pfffffftttt! Yeah, not putting that on again until I loose a few kilo's! 

It wasn't stretched to the max, but my legs did not look appealing in it at all.

I was working towards 64kg's tomorrow (Monday), but I didn't do any exercise other then a few sit ups today, and yesterday I snacked quite a lot (on healthy food but still), which put my weight up 300g!! 

Sigh. I guess we won't know how badly I missed the mark until tomorrow.

On a positive note; I'm looking at doing a fundraiser 4km walk/run in May, I did one in 2010, and I'm hoping to beat my time of 32 minutes.

Questions Answered; this one's for you Little Miss {not} Piggy

1. If you could mould yourself how you wanted to look, what would you look like?

3 words; Victoria's Secret Model.

2. What is the most attractive thing someone could do for you?

If we're talking about in a relationship, hmm know me so well that just by looking at me they know when I'm not ok, yet the rest of the world sees a smiling face.

3. What drives you crazy about the same sex and opposite? Crazy in a good way; not angry!

Oh my gosh, ARM MUSCLES on guys (ie my boyfriend) yum yum yum. 

For girls, well i have no idea!

4. What is one thing in your life you wish you could do differently if you had the chance?

Probably be skinny and tried harder in high school  

5. Has anyone ever made you feel insecure about your least favourite body part? Did this cause the hate or did it exist already?

The first time I ever saw my weight as a problem was when my drunk granddad told me I needed to loose a few kilo's. I was 11 and had been in hospital for almost a year which meant I was unable to do exercise- thats why I packed on the pounds. Before that I never thought about myself as overweight.

6. What would you like to do when you're older?

TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL and more TRAVEL! 

Then once I've seen the world, I'll get married, live in the country, and have lots and lots of kids.

7. What time period would you love to live in? Past, present, future, why?

PAST for sure. I've never felt like I fit in here (ie the present). 

My personal values, beliefs and morals are really old school (I'm talking late 1700-early 1800's), with a bit of the 1950-60's thrown in.

I believe women and men have different roles in life, and when I get married, I will stay at home and raise my children. They will not have mobile phones, iPods/iPads, laptops etc before they are about 16. I see no reason why children of today have these devices!

8. If you had to put a label on yourself, what would it say?

Broken

9. What is one of your most embarrassing moments of your life?

Oh gosh, when I was at my friends 16th birthday (we are 3 months apart), and she undid my bikini top and my boobs feel out. 

10. What five things would you save first in a house fire?

Family, cat, important documents (ie birth certificate, passport), laptop, and the painting I will own in a few months by LEONID AFREMOV. *Sigh* I can't wait!

11. What is one thing you've never done, but would love to do?

Hot air ballooning! Which I will be doing in April/ May :D

*edit* oh and go on a cruise 

Sticks and stones...

I found this on Pinterest tonight;

Sums up my night nicely.
3 days ago on Australia Day, my perfect skinny sister, told me to stop eating because I'd had too much to eat. Tonight she told me I needed to go back to the gym.
For those of you who have been there since the beginning, that was the exact comment in 2011 which started this whole journey.

It destroyed me to hear it again. I'm so sick of her telling me what I should and should not do.
FUCK it pisses me off.
Goal for tomorrow 700 calories. Haven't been counting properly in ages, my food scales in the kitchen broke so its pretty much rough estimations.
I want to be 63kg's by the 11th of Feb, which is my first day in the hospital as a Registered Nurse.
Let's do this.

I never thought I'd be back here

Two months ago I vowed I would never be back here.

Why? 

I realised I had a problem in 2011 when all of this consumed my every waking thought and moment.

2012 things started to ease off.
That guy I mentioned.. we're dating now.
The scariest part is that he knows. He knows all about this, I told him everything.

The worst part is that he tries to fix me. For a while it worked, I ate 'normally', without major guilt or self destructive thoughts running through my head. He says he likes 'curvy' girls, which just confirms that I'm fat. We all know 'curvy' is a polite way of saying fat. I've gained 3 kilos since we have been together (2 months today).
The best part is that he makes me happy. Happiness is so rare in this world, especially when my world is falling apart around me.
My parents are getting a divorce.
One good thing other than my boyfriend, I am officially a REGISTERED NURSE!

2013
Well, its about new dreams, new beginnings and a new start.
So I'm continuing on, but starting fresh.
Goal weight; 59 kilograms.