Empty

Don't you love that feeling of going to bed empty and knowing you're not getting any fatter?

- Answer; Hell yes!

Today

Today was a good day. I met up with my friend who knows about this. She understands what it's like and knows how easy it is to give in and be absorbed by this whole thing.
I worry that I might trigger her though, but I can finally say how I really feel.
We talk about that guy a lot. She gets why I can't picture him being with me due to this weight.
I just wish he knew.

Great news though; My stomach muscles are knitting back together! and it's getting easier to do my sit ups so I've bumped it up to 25, but last night I did at least 40. By next week it will be 30.  

Muffin tops, this guy, thinspo

So I went away for my 21st birthday present - curtesy of my parents. 

I'm now 2 kilos heaver. Fuck.

66.? kilos. Honestly I'm just so fricken unmotivated now. 

I see the fat and its repulsive. 

I can't fit in my clothes without looking huge. I can't do up my jeans without a MASSIVE muffin top.
I also got half my hair cut off and I hate it. Good by long sexy hair. Hello plain jane medium length.
 I also go the mark back for my FINAL assessment which was worth 70% of that class; I received 91%

Have I ever told you about this guy? I think I mentioned him a long time ago. 

Well he likes me, he's like my best friend.

I never saw him that way before, but it's like the more I think about him,

 the more I can see us together. It's really strange, but sometimes I dream about us and we are so happy together. Then I think about how much I'm analysing the situation and I wonder if in fact I am only beginning to 'like' him because I think about it so often and its causing my view to change. 

My friend who know all about his said that he has it really bad for me.

The worst part is I wish I could tell him all of this, about this blog, about my struggles, but I'm afraid I guess. More about him actually seeing me then about him judging me. 

He's not like that.

My other great friend met him. (The one I've been friends with for 7-8 years now).

She told me to be careful, which is something coming from her. 

She also said they talked about me, * sigh * , and apparently he thinks I'm beautiful, gorgeous, etc. Her exact words were 'he basically thinks the sun shines out of your arse'. 

I got angry and kind of exploded because I don't see what he sees in me. 

Just the though of his hands, or anyones, around me or on me is repulsive. 

I can't stop thinking about the fat he would feel or the way I know that's all I would think about if he ever touched me. 

What makes it worse is that he is skinny, I mean the guy has some serious muscle, but I am literally double his size with fat dripping off of me and would honestly crush him if I even put my weight on him. Or should I say engulf him in the fat mess. No matter how much muscle anyone has it would never be enough.

Lets just add all that to the list of why we can't be together.

p.s. Even though all of that has happened, I'm keeping up with my 21 sit-ups per night (often going over that). Tomorrow I will was the car, do some laundry and go for a walk in the morning.
Bones are beautiful. GOAL WEIGHT: 59 kilograms by Monday the 10th of december. It's the day I leave for Sydney. 

I could have died

Today I was mortified!
ARGH :(
My parents canceled the gym membership. Please earth open up and swallow me whole!
I love the gym, but i can't afford it. Normal exercise is boring and so are videos and crap like that.
What on earth am I going to do????

It will never be enough

It will never be enough.
I will never be enough.
It's because I'll never be good enough.
That's why I have to keep going.

I want this to consume me again. I crave the consistency of counting calories and seeing bones.
Bones are beautiful. Fat is repulsive.

I met a girl from church, and she told me she used to be bulimic, so I did what I never thought I would ever do, I told her about me. Not everything, but enough. Someone knows.
I have no idea if that was just a stupid thing to do because she will know what I'm thinking every time our group goes out to dinner and all I get is a diet coke.  Its not something anyone else can understand.

When I look in the mirror all I see is me- in a body that is not who I am on the inside.
When I think about who I am inside, I know I'm pretty and average size.
When I look at reality I am constantly disappointed and disgusted by what I see. I want to be that girl in the picture with those bones. I will have collarbones again.



It's gotten to the point where I cant tell the difference between my thighs and my ass.
I can make it all ok again. This is the one thing I can decide to have control over.
It's all on me to do.
I will sacrifice myself to be myself.

It stops now. Yet this is also where I start again.
Goal 1; 21 sit ups per day.

Happy 21st birthday to me!

Today I turn 21 years old.
I currently weigh 64kg's exactly, and for this one day I don't want to care, yet I still do.
I finish my last practical rotation EVER tomorrow (friday).
I will soon be a fully qualified Registered Nurse. :)
I aim to go back to the gym and be under 59kg's.

On the 24th of this month, I also hope to be baptised because I love God, and seriously could never have got this far without him.

This semester I have so far received all High Distinctions for my university classes, and have been invited by the University to do Honours.
I have achieved so much and I'm proud of myself. I know I can achieve anything I set my mind too, then next thing I will achieve will be THINNESS and nothing can stop me!

Megan xoxo