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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Muffin tops, this guy, thinspo

So I went away for my 21st birthday present - curtesy of my parents. 
I'm now 2 kilos heaver. Fuck.
66.? kilos. Honestly I'm just so fricken unmotivated now. 
I see the fat and its repulsive. 
I can't fit in my clothes without looking huge. I can't do up my jeans without a MASSIVE muffin top.
I also got half my hair cut off and I hate it. Good by long sexy hair. Hello plain jane medium length.
 I also go the mark back for my FINAL assessment which was worth 70% of that class; I received 91%

Have I ever told you about this guy? I think I mentioned him a long time ago. 

Well he likes me, he's like my best friend.
I never saw him that way before, but it's like the more I think about him,
 the more I can see us together. It's really strange, but sometimes I dream about us and we are so happy together. Then I think about how much I'm analysing the situation and I wonder if in fact I am only beginning to 'like' him because I think about it so often and its causing my view to change. 

My friend who know all about his said that he has it really bad for me.

The worst part is I wish I could tell him all of this, about this blog, about my struggles, but I'm afraid I guess. More about him actually seeing me then about him judging me. 
He's not like that.

My other great friend met him. (The one I've been friends with for 7-8 years now).
She told me to be careful, which is something coming from her. 
She also said they talked about me, * sigh * , and apparently he thinks I'm beautiful, gorgeous, etc. Her exact words were 'he basically thinks the sun shines out of your arse'. 
I got angry and kind of exploded because I don't see what he sees in me. 
Just the though of his hands, or anyones, around me or on me is repulsive. 
I can't stop thinking about the fat he would feel or the way I know that's all I would think about if he ever touched me. 
What makes it worse is that he is skinny, I mean the guy has some serious muscle, but I am literally double his size with fat dripping off of me and would honestly crush him if I even put my weight on him. Or should I say engulf him in the fat mess. No matter how much muscle anyone has it would never be enough.
Lets just add all that to the list of why we can't be together.

p.s. Even though all of that has happened, I'm keeping up with my 21 sit-ups per night (often going over that). Tomorrow I will was the car, do some laundry and go for a walk in the morning.
Bones are beautiful. GOAL WEIGHT: 59 kilograms by Monday the 10th of december. It's the day I leave for Sydney. 

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