Somebody save me

I've fallen from a solid place where I am strong and determined, into a hole where wake up and binge every day until I ache and then I continue eating. I can't seem to stop, it makes me sick just thinking about how much crap is going into my body and how big I'm getting so fast. Roughly 4000 calories a day so far. Somebody save me. All I want to do is die.

Christmas, Christmas Eve & Christmas Thinspo

It's (was) christmas eve! Today's weight; 57.1kg's (125.9). It's not ideal, but it's a new low.


Thinness has a price. What are you willing to sacrifice?
The last two weeks have been extremely hard. This is a place where I know I can just be myself, so in all honesty, it's been what I imagine life is like with an eating disorder. My calorie intake was never above 600 or 700 a day- and that's talking absolute maximum.

The worst parts; I didn't even notice it, but I got into major trouble with my parents for my attitude and moods. I constantly focused on what my mouth was doing. If I realised that I had started to snack on something (not a main meal) then I would chew and spit.

My hair is shocking. It has never been so frizzy. It's horrible. My skin takes for ever to heal (not that it was exactly fast to begin with), I look tired and pale.

Surprisingly, I never really felt hungry. That probably has something to do with the amount of diet soft drink I was having. I will never do that again, 3-5 cans a day of sugar free stuff has caused my back and shoulder to break out in heaps and heaps of pimples. Oh my, it's disgusting and it's never happened before in my life.

Benefits; Tendons, collar bones, thigh gap, smaller clothes.
Worth it? To me, well, it's a tie. Yes and no. Yes because of the benefits, no because I don't like being moody, my skin was beautiful and my hair is destroyed. People, that was only 2 weeks worth.

It's now Christmas day (technically early morning (1am) on the 26th).. but I'm trying to recover from a food coma, seriously, I ate my whole 2 weeks worth of calories in one day. I now feel nauseous but at the time it was great to just indulge.

I also have some christmas thinspo! Please note that these don't really represent an Australian christmas. Luckily it only got up to about 33 degrees Celsius today. Last year it was over 40!

Monday Weigh-In (19.December.2011)

Ohh my GOSH I'm so fricken annoyed. Seriously. I've been really really really good this whole week. I've stuck to my new vegetarian diet like a mad woman and I've exercised every darn day. Yesterday morning I weighed 57.6kg's. Then yesterday, of course, my family decides to go to the Swan Valley; Chocolate and Ice-cream await. I didn't even have any nougat and for lunch I had a salad. I had MAXIMUM 1.5 Tablespoons of chocolate, but I think the killer was the 'kids size' sorbet ice-cream which I didn't even finish. ARGHHHH. Why oh why oh why oh why!
Therefore this mornings weight is; 57.9kg's (127.6)! FML (F* my life)
I was at least hoping for 57.5kg's (126.8).

I guess some good news; you can see my tendons in my hands much easier again and I have a tiny gap between my thighs.
But now I have 5 day to get as close to 55kg's (121) as possible.
Exercise goal for this week; gym twice a day for at least 3 days.

What are your christmas goals??

Monday Weigh-In (12.December.2011)

Well I'm back from sydney. When I got on the scale the morning after I got home on friday.. 60kgs. 

I thought it would be much worse.

Seriously though I have like no motivation today and I have less that 2 weeks to loose 5kg's (11 pounds).

This mornings weight; 59.6kg's (131.4)

I know I’ve gotten larger because my hands are now fat. Yes thats right, my hands. Before you could easily see the tendons and stuff, now they are barely visible. Not to mention my legs. The don’t even have a gap anymore. I know that the one I had previously was only minor, but seriously, some gap is better than no gap.

Plan up until christmas day;

Gym almost every day; during lunch or at dinner, when not working.

Fruit and vegetables ONLY, except for egg, I need protein in there somewhere, and fat free salad dressing. I need to detox my poor body from all these horrible carbs. 

I need to work on my thighs especially. I keep doing the same boring exercise machines. I'm getting bored so I think I'll try some of the classes that are available at the gym like yoga and combat classes.