One small step for me, one giant leap for.. well, no one.

The biggest battle of all is the one going on in my mind.
Last night the evil voice of temptation reared its ugly head up and told me to eat the cookie. I was already full but I didn't care. Multiple times I went back and forth, yes I will have it, no I won't.
I finally decided to go for it. I got to the cookie container... I went to open it and... *Insert dramatic suspense here* ... I stopped. I couldn't do it. I wanted to SO SO BAD, but I just couldn't. I thought about writing on here of how I had given in, then I thought about those reading it and how much of a disappointment I would be to them. So I decided I wouldn't do it and I would be able to write about how I won. So here I am, telling you that if I can do it, so can you. It was only a small step for me, but it was in the right direction.

Had the best dream last night. I dreamt about bones, I had bones and you could actually see them, even when I stood up. It was beautiful. I also dreamt about this hot guy from my friends birthday party.
      
       Background info; There were so many thin, sexy girls there I was so jealous (I ranked myself second last on the scale of hotness of girls there), but then I found out (from the birthday girl) that she was on the phone to his best friend (a guy) days after and he told the birthday girl that the hot guy thought I was the hottest girl there. Ok, lets get one thing straight, this guy had pretty much slept with or gone out with at least half of the girls there and they kept flirting with him but he just blew them off, it was quite funny to see.

Back to the dream; So I dreamt that he kept flirting with me, then I was all like smiling and I went to walk away and he held me around my hips and pulled me back to him. And he was kinda surprised that I had these hip bones that stuck out, and a flat tummy (I was too). To much more detail to go into, just includes a lot of flirting and messing around.

Then I woke up to find this horrible reality. One day that dream will be my reality; me being beautiful with bones, and a hot guy by my side.

This mornings weight; 67.3 kg's (148.4). Not so bad but I feel like a yoyo this week, weight just keeps going up and down. We'll have to see what it is on monday.
For now I have to go do prep for tomorrows test (yes another one) and then write a 2000 word assignment due tuesday morning.

"Have the courage to act on your dreams. Leave behind you the internal forces that hold you back."

Anomaly

Glad to say that I had at least some self restraint after going out to dinner last night.

1 spring roll, ½ Vietnamese fresh spring roll, 1 mini satay chicken stick, 3/4cup rice, 1/3 cup of garlic lamb. Went to maccas (McDonalds) for desert and I didn’t get anything. I felt sick. I told myself that I was fat enough and I wasn’t hungry anyway.

Feeling a bit better than yesterday, but still kind of numb I guess, like I honestly hate everything and everyone, especially food.

At 6.30am; I had to see the damage I did after yesterday; 67.3kg’s (148.4), I don’t believe it’s accurate, so I’ll check again tomorrow. It must be an anomaly. 

Today....

Breakfast; (70) vanilla yoghurt

Lunch; lettuce(4), tomato (21), 20g feta cheese (44), ¼ chicken-no skin (114),  

1 hard boiled egg (68)= 251

Muesli bar; 110

M&M cookie; 212

½ Chocolate chip cookie; 105

Chicken strip wrap with lettuce, tomato & cucumber; 307

1200 calories max including drinks, feeling way too full so i'll reduce to 1100 from now on. Usually I can keep to under 1000 and I don't even try. Had subway for dinner and I love the cookies (as you can tell) but I over did it and now I can feel the price, so bloated.

Would you like thighs with that?

(As promised, here is my rant from the other night)

Wouldn’t this world be happier and healthier without the unhealthy fast-food industry? Take McDonalds for example, hundreds of thousands of people stuff their mouths full of the fatty processed foods that McDonalds provide every day. Why? Because it’s fast, easy and affordable. And we wonder why the world now has obesity epidemics popping up everywhere. – FYI; Australia is now leading the world in its battle of the bulge.

I’ve only eaten McDonald’s once since the beginning of the new me. It was an ice-cream cone. I truly feel sorry for the children who’s parents take them to these places as a real meal substitute.

Yes, a cheeseburger once satisfied my appetite, and I used to get the occasional craving for them, but one day last year (after eating one to satisfy the burning desire inside) I felt horribly sick. I felt like there was fat dripping from the walls of my mouth, I could feel my cholesterol rise and my arteries start to clog, I wanted to be sick. I’ve never eaten it again.  Every time I go past McDonald’s now I say to myself, they shouldn’t ask if you’d like fries with that, they should ask if you’d like some more THIGHS with that.

I am still stuck with these thunder thighs, junk in my massive trunk and bingo wings that would put a granny to shame. But one day that will change. For now my self-loathing is a positive motivator that brutally slaps me on the face every time I look in the mirror and says “HEY! You caused this, now you have to change it.” Or “Want some more of this? Then go eat that piece of cake, because at this rate you could go into hibernation and last for a good decade without withering away.”

I have finally found a forbidden food; McDonalds & Hungry Jacks (Aussie version of Burger King). 

The day from hell (Monday Weigh-in 28.03.11)

Internal agony. Yep, that's exactly how I feel right now. Pretty much sums it all up. The only thing that's helping me right now is writing on this blog and hurting myself. Physical pain makes the emotional pain go away. By the time I'm done I'm pretty sure blood will be spilled.
I've been trying to hold it in for a while now and just focus on my exam but now that that's over I can finally let it all out. My dad told me that's life and I just have to get over it, well this is what I have to say to him FUCK YOU. So much for parental support!

My day thus far;
- Weigh-in was extremely disappointing; 67.7kg's (149.3)- like seriously wtf happened? it was the cheese on last nights dinner I bet, first time I've had Cheddar cheese since January, and that desert from the other night... GRR.
-Breakfast; porridge with skim-milk and brown sugar
- Having trouble breathing (like in the getting sick kind of way)
- Mental Health Lecture
-Got hungry because I didn't get to finish my breakfast so I had a muesli bar.
- Skipped a different lecture to go revise, barely any done because my friends were fighting the whole time and I was switzerland
- Had salad for lunch
- Some more study; got really really hungry (usually a muesli bar and salad would last me until dinner) I honestly don't know why, but I felt like I hadn't eaten at all.
-Exam
-Came home and balled my eyes out after seeing documentation for my practical placement.
-Rung person in charge about this stupid problem to do with my practical placement for my university degree. It's very hard to explain in writing but basically everything is shit with that. Like not just shit, mega shit, so far up the shitter (toilet in australian slang) that I just can't even cope. Plus I'm partnered with a guy for it, MEN SHOULD NOT BE IN MY PROFESSION. I have very gender-specific views; I don't know where this came from because my parents do think like that. I've decide to ask him (when I meet him) why he doesn't decide to go into a manly profession because this job is for women.
- Balled my eyes out some more + physical pain
-And that brings us to now. I'm calming down now, but every time I think of it I start up again, like right now. FUCK! I'm so angry and upset and frustrated and pissed off and annoyed- thats just the tip of the iceberg and my life is the Titanic.
* Pause *
Random thought; I had this awesome mental rant last night, I just had to write it down, it was great, I'll have to post it.
*Play*
-tonights dinner; chinese restaurant with the parentals. I'm just going to eat. I'll have plenty of time to hate myself some more tomorrow.
-Now; movie 'Skyline' & coke zero

Writing this post = procrastination

Lunch; Breakfast went as planned. 20 sit-ups done so far, I'll do an extra 20 before dinner. I had a bit more at lunch then expected but I'm not really fussed because I know that this feeling of being full will last until dinner, and then at dinner I won't eat as much. No desert tonight thats the plan. should be studying for mondays exam right now but I am kind of over it. Parents have been fighting all morning *sigh* so I currently have earplugs in, i must look like a total dork. On the 26/feb  I wore a pink dress to a birthday party because the original dress didn't fit, underneath it I wore like a slip which pulls in all the fat and smooths out the curves because the dress made me look a bit lumpy (sticking to the stomach fat). I am proud to say that I just tried on the dress (like 2 minutes ago) and I no longer need the slip to hide my stomach lumps and bumps :)  


Fading }|{ Butterfly, thank you for being my first follower! (I think it's crazy that anyone would actually read my ramblings) and also thank you  so much for your comments on my posts, they make me feel like I'm not alone in this battle. I know your a lot smaller than me so I can be your fat-spiration, you can look at me and see what you don't want to be. The website I use for weekly calorie intake is; http://www.healthyweightforum.org/eng/calculators/calories%2Drequired/  
All you do is fill it out and it will tell you first of all if your goals are realistic (the numbers will be red if the goal is not realistic) and second it will show the week, calorie intake per day for that week, and the weight you should be if you follow the plan. 

"You wont get there by making excuses.

You wont get there by eating the food you know are bad.

You wont get there while just thinking about it.

You wont get there while just by imagining it.

You’ll get there by doing it."

Hair Cut :)

So I had my hair cut!! 17cm taken off!!
I feel like it's so short but everyone keeps telling me it's still very long. I really like it, it looks healthy and because of my fringe (bangs) it gives me a new look.
We went out for breakfast in the end, i thought it was only for a coffee (I don't drink coffee like I've said before but they have other stuff), I ate a fricken blueberry danish (300 calories), but it made me feel really sick after then I walked for 10 minutes to the hairdresser. Lunch; a pear (93)  & 5x Philadelphia cheese with crackers (100) & Iced lemon tea (100). Dinner; oh you'll never guess in a million years what happened with dinner, we had friends over and.... had a barbecue (big shock- can you hear the sarcasm?), but I was to busy studying to snack, so dinner; piece of steak, salad, 1 egg, desert was the fricken killer; 300 calories!!!!! :(
All up like 1400? *Insert sad face here* Oh well, what's done is done, all I can do is try harder tomorrow. I'm only a failure if I give up. I'm going to re-do today, tomorrow. I am going to try to sleep in and then get up, do my sit-ups (I do 30 tomorrow to make up for these past few days), have my 250 calories (maximum) for breakfast, water until lunch, lunch; sandwich- grain bread, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, small amount of feta cheese & chicken. Water, Ice-tea & sugar free gum until dinner. Dinner; tuna mornay with brown basmati rice.
30 sit-ups also done today.

Oh and note to self; never leave two 11-year-olds alone in a bath room with candles! I just found wax everywhere!!!

Why bother??

Honestly I feel like crap. Crap. Crap Crap! ARGH the only day in the whole week I get to sleep in and it's destroyed by nightmares. Ended up waking up 3 times, then decided not to bother any more.
I think it's just going to be one of those days. I haven't done my sit-ups in 2 days. LAZY.
I want french toast and orange juice for breakfast. Yep all of it. But, the shops aren't open. OH MY.
Why do I even bother?? I don't feel any thinner, I know I said that I just wanted to stay 67.4kg's (148.6) this week but I want the number to be 65kg's (143) already. I think it will be another 2 months before that happens though. Oh and I'm getting my hair cut today. First time since last year (I only get it done once a year) and usually only a trim but today I'm getting a cut! and a fringe (I think Americans call it bangs?).
My hair is very very long, I might post some before/ afters but I don't know how to yet. Got so much study to do as well (exam on monday). Ok I'm going to go do my sit-ups (Army style, because that's actually how they are supposed to be done). Might post again after my hair cut in a few hours.