Internal agony. Yep, that's exactly how I feel right now. Pretty much sums it all up. The only thing that's helping me right now is writing on this blog and hurting myself. Physical pain makes the emotional pain go away. By the time I'm done I'm pretty sure blood will be spilled.
I've been trying to hold it in for a while now and just focus on my exam but now that that's over I can finally let it all out. My dad told me that's life and I just have to get over it, well this is what I have to say to him FUCK YOU. So much for parental support!
My day thus far;
- Weigh-in was extremely disappointing; 67.7kg's (149.3)- like seriously wtf happened? it was the cheese on last nights dinner I bet, first time I've had Cheddar cheese since January, and that desert from the other night... GRR.
-Breakfast; porridge with skim-milk and brown sugar
- Having trouble breathing (like in the getting sick kind of way)
- Mental Health Lecture
-Got hungry because I didn't get to finish my breakfast so I had a muesli bar.
- Skipped a different lecture to go revise, barely any done because my friends were fighting the whole time and I was switzerland
- Had salad for lunch
- Some more study; got really really hungry (usually a muesli bar and salad would last me until dinner) I honestly don't know why, but I felt like I hadn't eaten at all.
-Came home and balled my eyes out after seeing documentation for my practical placement.
-Rung person in charge about this stupid problem to do with my practical placement for my university degree. It's very hard to explain in writing but basically everything is shit with that. Like not just shit, mega shit, so far up the shitter (toilet in australian slang) that I just can't even cope. Plus I'm partnered with a guy for it, MEN SHOULD NOT BE IN MY PROFESSION. I have very gender-specific views; I don't know where this came from because my parents do think like that. I've decide to ask him (when I meet him) why he doesn't decide to go into a manly profession because this job is for women.
- Balled my eyes out some more + physical pain
-And that brings us to now. I'm calming down now, but every time I think of it I start up again, like right now. FUCK! I'm so angry and upset and frustrated and pissed off and annoyed- thats just the tip of the iceberg and my life is the Titanic.
* Pause *
Random thought; I had this awesome mental rant last night, I just had to write it down, it was great, I'll have to post it.
-tonights dinner; chinese restaurant with the parentals. I'm just going to eat. I'll have plenty of time to hate myself some more tomorrow.
-Now; movie 'Skyline' & coke zero