Empty

Don't you love that feeling of going to bed empty and knowing you're not getting any fatter?

- Answer; Hell yes!

Today

Today was a good day. I met up with my friend who knows about this. She understands what it's like and knows how easy it is to give in and be absorbed by this whole thing.
I worry that I might trigger her though, but I can finally say how I really feel.
We talk about that guy a lot. She gets why I can't picture him being with me due to this weight.
I just wish he knew.

Great news though; My stomach muscles are knitting back together! and it's getting easier to do my sit ups so I've bumped it up to 25, but last night I did at least 40. By next week it will be 30.  

Muffin tops, this guy, thinspo

So I went away for my 21st birthday present - curtesy of my parents. 

I'm now 2 kilos heaver. Fuck.

66.? kilos. Honestly I'm just so fricken unmotivated now. 

I see the fat and its repulsive. 

I can't fit in my clothes without looking huge. I can't do up my jeans without a MASSIVE muffin top.
I also got half my hair cut off and I hate it. Good by long sexy hair. Hello plain jane medium length.
 I also go the mark back for my FINAL assessment which was worth 70% of that class; I received 91%

Have I ever told you about this guy? I think I mentioned him a long time ago. 

Well he likes me, he's like my best friend.

I never saw him that way before, but it's like the more I think about him,

 the more I can see us together. It's really strange, but sometimes I dream about us and we are so happy together. Then I think about how much I'm analysing the situation and I wonder if in fact I am only beginning to 'like' him because I think about it so often and its causing my view to change. 

My friend who know all about his said that he has it really bad for me.

The worst part is I wish I could tell him all of this, about this blog, about my struggles, but I'm afraid I guess. More about him actually seeing me then about him judging me. 

He's not like that.

My other great friend met him. (The one I've been friends with for 7-8 years now).

She told me to be careful, which is something coming from her. 

She also said they talked about me, * sigh * , and apparently he thinks I'm beautiful, gorgeous, etc. Her exact words were 'he basically thinks the sun shines out of your arse'. 

I got angry and kind of exploded because I don't see what he sees in me. 

Just the though of his hands, or anyones, around me or on me is repulsive. 

I can't stop thinking about the fat he would feel or the way I know that's all I would think about if he ever touched me. 

What makes it worse is that he is skinny, I mean the guy has some serious muscle, but I am literally double his size with fat dripping off of me and would honestly crush him if I even put my weight on him. Or should I say engulf him in the fat mess. No matter how much muscle anyone has it would never be enough.

Lets just add all that to the list of why we can't be together.

p.s. Even though all of that has happened, I'm keeping up with my 21 sit-ups per night (often going over that). Tomorrow I will was the car, do some laundry and go for a walk in the morning.
Bones are beautiful. GOAL WEIGHT: 59 kilograms by Monday the 10th of december. It's the day I leave for Sydney. 

I could have died

Today I was mortified!
ARGH :(
My parents canceled the gym membership. Please earth open up and swallow me whole!
I love the gym, but i can't afford it. Normal exercise is boring and so are videos and crap like that.
What on earth am I going to do????

It will never be enough

It will never be enough.
I will never be enough.
It's because I'll never be good enough.
That's why I have to keep going.

I want this to consume me again. I crave the consistency of counting calories and seeing bones.
Bones are beautiful. Fat is repulsive.

I met a girl from church, and she told me she used to be bulimic, so I did what I never thought I would ever do, I told her about me. Not everything, but enough. Someone knows.
I have no idea if that was just a stupid thing to do because she will know what I'm thinking every time our group goes out to dinner and all I get is a diet coke.  Its not something anyone else can understand.

When I look in the mirror all I see is me- in a body that is not who I am on the inside.
When I think about who I am inside, I know I'm pretty and average size.
When I look at reality I am constantly disappointed and disgusted by what I see. I want to be that girl in the picture with those bones. I will have collarbones again.



It's gotten to the point where I cant tell the difference between my thighs and my ass.
I can make it all ok again. This is the one thing I can decide to have control over.
It's all on me to do.
I will sacrifice myself to be myself.

It stops now. Yet this is also where I start again.
Goal 1; 21 sit ups per day.

Happy 21st birthday to me!

Today I turn 21 years old.
I currently weigh 64kg's exactly, and for this one day I don't want to care, yet I still do.
I finish my last practical rotation EVER tomorrow (friday).
I will soon be a fully qualified Registered Nurse. :)
I aim to go back to the gym and be under 59kg's.

On the 24th of this month, I also hope to be baptised because I love God, and seriously could never have got this far without him.

This semester I have so far received all High Distinctions for my university classes, and have been invited by the University to do Honours.
I have achieved so much and I'm proud of myself. I know I can achieve anything I set my mind too, then next thing I will achieve will be THINNESS and nothing can stop me!

Megan xoxo

Hello

Why hello :)
It's been so long.

Existance

Living. Going through the motions of life but not really existing in it.
It seems so strange, I found myself happy today and when I figured out why it was because I was making and then eating home-made pizza and enjoying the time with my family.
Then I realised how disgusting that is because I ate 3 crumpets, an egg, a yoghurt and strawberries for breakfast. I'm sick of being fat, yet look at what I do to myself.
I haven't even been to the gym for 2 whole weeks.
Uni is hard. I've been allocated to an abortion clinic for my last prac in the degree. It makes me numb.

My birthday is in 2 months and 1 week. I just want to be less fat for then, I'll be 21 and even though I won't celebrate it - much to everyones disgust, but i'm just not a birthday person- I still want to look good.

Right at this very moment everything is black.
I'm so ready to end everything.
I want to die.

Restricting

What a horrible weekend!

Over the past maybe 6 months, I've become really close friends with this guy. FRIENDS. I made it quite clear that that's all I've ever wanted.
Friday he ruined it. He confessed his love for me - not in those words obviously- and to sum a long story up; he said we can't be friends anymore because he only wants more.
That I couldn't except. How stupid. We we're friends before he decided to say it, why can't we just go back? It doesn't make sense to me. Can't he just get over it?
Anyway, I told him his comments really hurt me.
Today he accused me of leading him on, and so many other hurtful things.
I deleted him off facebook because I couldn't handle it.


I wanted to breakdown and cry because he means so much to me- just nothing sexual. We have - or should I say HAD- a  completely open and honest friendship, which I think made us closer.
I know he's hurt because he know's I'm not attracted to him, but I thought he was better than to throw low blows like what he did. He just kept getting meaner and more hurtful.

The thing that gets me is, if I meant so much to him; 1. Why would he let me go?  2. Why be so horrible? Hurting me isn't going to make me change my mind or make him feel any better.

Well with my multiple personalities, I wanted to say so much, I was so angry and upset, but depressed and hurt and I wanted to slap him, that I just said nothing and left it at that.

I know what it means though; I just have to be better. I MUST be thinner. And how to do that? Restriction. 






NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels.

Todays intake;

    1x pink lady apple (143g) = 70 calories

    1x orange (209g)= 88 calories

    defrosted green beans (50g) = 11 calories

    1x egg (60g) = 83.5 calories

     about 100ml apple juice= 55 calories max

Input total= 307.5 calories 

I guess I ort to thank him. I'm more determined than I have been in a long time. This will be the week I get out of the 62kg area.

It still hurts, I got to tell him something and remember I can't. But I'll be ok. And the next time he sees me, he won't believe his eyes.












I was bad, I had no breakfast, but I just didn't want it.
Gym today; Fat burner class for an hour. Along with a combination class; Yoga, pilates & Tai Chi for an hour. Apparently that class alone is 390 Calories, but I just don't believe it.  
So I'm totalling the classes as 550 calories all up= Output












Thanks for always being there so I can vent :)




Trying to prepare myself for tomorrow, we're going out to dinner. I know where we are going so luckily I know I can alter their menu, I know I'll get a salad. 

Loss at last

It's exam week, I've completed 1 exam and the other 3 major exams will be next week.
I'm just taking every day as it comes, if I look too far forward I start to get stresses about the exams.



When I feel fat I can't concentrate on anything other than how fat I feel, so my study suffers. That's why this week has helped.

Since beginning the week on 64kg's, (141.1 lb/pounds) I have made a conscious effort every day to watch my intake. I eat a lot healthier, mostly green vegetable sand those high in folate (good for study/brain function), then other vegetables and fruits, egg for protein and porridge for breakfast to sustain me that way I don't snack. I have 1x multivitamin in case I don't get what I need in my diet for the day, and 2x 1500mg fish oil tablets for my studying.


If there is 2 pieces of advice I have it's these, and it's common knowledge:
1. ALWAYS have breakfast- you'll only slow your metabolism down and cause weight gain in the future
2. STOP SNACKING. It cuts out so many extra un-needed calories!
        Some days I get peckish around 3 - 4pm, I cut an apple into quarters, then I take 1 quarter, finey slice it and have that with loads of water. Some times your body really isn't hungry, it's just thirsty. 

I love chewing on gum, and during a day where I have an exam I will put a piece in before hand. Chewing gum improved brain recall and memory by up to 35%.

 I've started doing sit-ups again: 10 on monday and increase by 1 more every day. It's not much, but I can already tell the difference and at least it is achievable.

 So, I'm glad to say I've started to loose at last, in the weight sense that is. I weigh myself every morning   before breakfast, only in my underwear and after I've gone to the toilet. It's more accurate that way. (I've always done it like that)



This mornings weight: 62.4 kg's (137.6 lb/pounds)

It makes me feel great getting on that scale and seeing all my hard work pay off, it's better any any other high there could be.

A small step is all it takes

Indeed, a small step is all it takes to keep going.
I guess I've been at a standstill for a while, but today that changed.
I forced myself to get on the scale this morning and wasn't surprised by what I saw; 64kg's (141.1 pounds)
Today I really tried. And I'm glad to say, I took the first steps to going back into the right direction.
I just tried to cut out the crap basically; no carbs.
All went well, I even avoided having some of my sisters wedges. Stupid deep dried potatoes.
Unfortunately however, I did have some ice-cream around dessert. Luckily it was pretty much only a scoop. So if that's the only bad thing I did today, well then that ok with me.
I also did 10 sit ups this morning. I know, not much, but something is better than nothing!

P.s. Thank you girls for you comments :)  It's nice having people around for once who don't judge me and actually want to me succeed! xox

Not dead, just incredibly lost

Hi. It's been so long. I'm not dead, hence the fact I have written this post.
I've been keeping my distance because it means if I'm here then I have to face the facts.
Facing a reality which hurts too much right now. I'm so incredibly fat it is outrageous. I miss feeling good.

My parents tell me to go to the gym- but I don't.
My sister- oh yes, little miss perfect who goes away for a year and gets fat only to come home and go back to being a skinny bitch again, well, even she tells me I need to loose weight.
I know she's disgusted when she looks at me. She's told me so.

My mind is so lost. I feel like I succeeded last year in every way possible, but this year hasn't been going so well.

If I left you in suspense from my last post, well I'm sorry!
What I wanted to say was;
- taking laxitives long term causes chronic diarrhoea, leading to lack of nutrients
- purging damages the lining of your insides. If you start coughing/ vomiting/purging blood, PLEASE get help ASAP, it means there is a hole in the wall, which causes extreme severe blood loss, and eventual death.

I won't be around for a few more weeks, my exams are here!
I've decided to come clean, a new start, I see no reason to hide my identity;

Hi. My name, my real name, is Megan. I live in Perth, Western Australia.
I have brown hair and brown eyes.
On the 1st of November 2012, this year, I will be 21 years old- and that scares the shit out of me.
I'm in my final year of University to become a Registered Nurse.
I will be thin.
I will do ANYTHING it takes.
And I will look like this;

p.s. This new blogger layout is so confusing!

I am being, and have been, completely honest. If you want to ask me anything at all, I will answer to the best of my ability.

Eating & Eating Disorders

ARGH I hate this new blogger! I'm so confused!

Anyway, here is a link I found this morning to a brief interesting article;
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/health/8453974/schoolgirl-hid-fatal-anorexia-from-family

My date yesterday ended up being so awesome!
I was convinced that we were going ice-skating, but I was completely wrong!
We went to the gold class cinema to see Titanic 3D!!! and just when I thought it couldn't get any better, as the previews were coming on, HIGH TEA was bought out!!!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE high tea!
I didn't even know you could do it there, but turns out even at the upper class cinemas you can do high tea. It blew my mind! And of course the movie was epic.
I don't drink coffee or tea so my sister had organised a hot chocolate instead! Ah she knows me so well.
It was THE best hot chocolate I have ever tasted. Made with milk chocolate. Yum yum yum yum yummmmmm.
It tasted so good, only bad thing, the millions of calories, so of course I didn't eat dinner when I got home and I also popped my pills. Yes, the laxatives. Who knows if it actually works, but it makes me feel better knowing that all the crap that I ate will get out of my system faster.
I have this warped sense that it means I won't put on as much weight because the food doesnt have time to digest properly. This holidays I think (if I remember), I'll do more research into it. I'm sure one of my textbooks will tell me.

That brings me to some of the news I promised to tell you a while back.
 Stay tuned, I'll tell all in my next post.

Date Day

Today I'm going on a date with my little sister (not so little I guess, 18 going on 19 years old)
I took her to the hunger games at the 'Gold Class' Cinemas, which is like a private cinema with recliner chairs instead and you get waited on, its great.
So she's taking me somewhere today, I have no idea what it will actually be, but by what I have to bring, I'm thinking it may be ice-skating?
We are going to breakfast at a cafe by the ocean, it's beautiful there but starting to get cold because we're going into autumn/ winter.  14 degrees Celsius yesterday morning when I went to uni and today its 12.
Then tonight I said we should go to see the Titanic in 3D at the movies so we are.

I've made a crucial decision to 'maintain' my weight for a while.
At least until I can properly concentrate on loosing it.
We are officially having a huge family christmas this year, with everyone I grew up with (before we all moved away to different states), and I will be 55kg's or less by then. It's not a maybe, because it will happen.

Currently 60.3kg's/133 lbs
When I look in the mirror I see fat and flab, just lacking the will power to do anything. I haven't done any exercise in so long, and because of the cold my motivation to exercise is becoming buried by my feather blanket!

Appalling attendance

Sorry for the appalling attendance, but don't worry I'll over load you with multiple posts now that I'm back.

There will be some interesting ones to follow!

I've learnt so much in the last few weeks, some stuff definitely shocking, all of which I will share.

As for my weight, well.. it was 60.5 kg's one week, then 60.8kg's this week. :(  If I remember correctly, this was about the same weight I plataued at last time, except this time I keep going up instead of staying still!

How will I fix this? Exercise! Yes, i haven't exercised since before my operation. Well I'm healed enough to do something now, so even if it's only once a weak (to begin with), at least it will be something.

Current feelings: fat, flabby, bloated and extremely heavy.

Monday Weigh-In (13th March 2012)

Yes, I am fully aware that it is tuesday.

Today is my mum's birthday :)
I was cooking all night yesterday with loads of desserts for her.

Well all 'issues' in the previous post have been resolved. Ha.

Today was such a great day, then it completely collapsed into a massive cave- to say it went down hill would be an understatement. My mum told my sister she doesn't love my dad. Way to tell a mentally unstable girl that her parents are only together to 'keep the family together'.
Everything on TV makes me feel sick, its either about sappy love- which my parents lack, or divorce. FUCK IT.

I binged on friday with my friend (sugar overload, honestly I felt so damn sick the next morning, it was like a sugar hangover).

But, monday's weight was 60.3kg's (132.9).
Goal weight 3; 60.67kg's (133.8); Completed

Monday Weigh-In (4th March 2012)

Well the surgery went well... then there was a complication.

I had 2 wisdom teeth and 4 pre-molars removed- as planned.
The wisdom teeth required stitches. The pre-molars didn't.
Complication; one of the premolars would not stop bleeding, and I don't just mean a bit of ooze, I mean pouring out blood. Is this common? NO. Of course not. I always have to have something go wrong!
They sent me straight from the hospital to my orthodontist (who did the surgery) and he has to put; get this; 8 NEEDLES!!! 8!! of adrenaline into the gum- oh yes, I could feel it (not bad enough to care), I was just concentrating on not throwing up. That wasn't all. 2 stitches as well!! I have to get them removed on friday, and the ones from the wisdom area.

I've only just started eating the last 2 days. Before that I couldn't be bothered.
I'm on pain killers which 'slow you down' intestinally- if you get what I mean, so I've been eating prunes to help but knowing the amount of calories that are in it is killing me. oh, and the prunes aren't helping!
So basically my period is late and I'm constipated. GREAT! NOT. ew.

On to business; WEIGHT; 61kg's (134.5) not bad.

Goal weight 2; 61.4kg's (135.5) COMPLETE

p.s. OMG the Taylor Swift concert was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, and I got 2/3 of my hair cut off. I feel like it's a new start.

Focus

I can feel my mind getting back into thinking thin again. Its great to focus for once, I mean I actually feel focused.
What's helping with the change? Reading blogs!
Reading of other peoples success, stumbles and trails, reminds me that I'm not alone in this journey to thinness.

Opinions please; So I went out the other night for my friends birthday, she turned 20 :)
Anyway I only ever go out (clubbing) once a year on her birthday/ for her birthday weekend.
I fit into my sisters UK size 6 dress!!!!!!!!!! FRICKEN AMAZINGGGG!!! YES!!!!
While a group of us were getting ready, we were talking about this other girl and they were saying how she is too skinny now and has lost heaps of weight and they were worried about her.... then they go and say she weights 58kg's (127.9).

Ok so my question is; do you think this is too small?
Personally in my mind I think she is looking great! She is about my height but is not even showing bones. I don't see a problem.
I said that I didn't think that was bad and my friend said that that was because I don't see the world like everyone normal does. OK what the heck is that supposed to mean?? I do NOT have a distorted way of looking at anyone.

It frustrates me, because they see this other girl we know, like literally an AUS size 4 - probably smaller, who eats like once a day and exercises all the time, and they don't see a problem.

Little (NOT fat) piggy; yes taylor is so darn amazing she is my mega thinspo and all-round great person and general inspiration.

Monday Weigh-In (27th feb 2012)

Yo bitches! :P
Goal one (62.2kg's) Complete!
Weigh in was 62.1( 136.9)

Surgery tomorrow :S  NERVOUSSSSSS but I'll be ok
Great thing is, I will be eating soft food for like 2 weeks!

I've stocked up on weight watchers fruit salad and baked beans and low calorie jelly in 5 different flavours!
I'm making vegetable soup tonight with chicken stock which I hope tastes good.
Lets hope I loose a good amount of weight from this, i think all the pain will be worth it if I do.

I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone on here who comments, you are an immense support and so encouraging, so THANK YOU !!!  xoxo

TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT ON FRIDAY!!!!!! YEW!!!! So so so so excited!

Lost

I'm so lost. Lost doesn't even begin to describe it. Not just with my weight, but also with my entire life. I'm confused and I feel like a complete mess. My emotions are all over the place and I think it's all because of my eating.
When I have a 'fat day' where I feel so disgusted in myself, I go insane and my whole family gets stuck with my appalling mood. The other day, I was so angry over the slightest thing that happened, and I snapped; It was so bad, I was in the kitchen and I was hysterical, so much so that I was very very close to getting a knife out of the draw... and, well, you get the horrible picture.

 University, my final year, starts on monday.
I'm nervous and have a million things running through my mind. They have free services available, one of them is counselling so I think I'm going to give it a try.
If I don't get myself under control, well, my parents said this is my last chance.


Yes, it's almost been an entire month, but I've decided to get devoted again. I've got to give it all I have.
Since christmas I've been struggling. Current weight is around 63kg's.
Here is my new goal guideline;
(Week; Calories requires- in yellow, Weight target for the week)

01	862	62.22
02	853	61.44
03	844	60.67
04	836	59.89
05	827	59.11
06	818	58.33
07	809	57.56
08	801	56.78
09	792	56
10	783	55.22
11	775	54.44
12	766	53.67

A positive note; I've been doing this for a year, and I've kept 10kg's (22lbs) off! 

Are you willing to do what ever it takes?

Are you? Will you really do absolutely what ever it takes to get to your goal?
Well I am. I now go to they gym at least 3 times a week.
I also bought these apps for my Ipod, one tracks my progress, the other is hypnosis.
Rick collins weight loss hypnosis, I have his 'super study' hypnosis and I believe it really works for that so why wouldn't it work for weight loss too?
I remember some of it and it sounded really good, like '..you will eat moderate size health meals... when ever you feel like high calorie, sugary, toxic food you will hear my voice say STOP..' 'you will choose activity over inactivity'
blah blah blah etc etc etc, you get my point.
You have to listen to it at night 6 times a week for 8 weeks to really get the full effect apparently, but I'm willing to give it a go.

I believe in the power of the mind. It's such a power thing. He also gets you to visualise what you want to look like and will look like. It keeps your goal in focus. ( I want to look like that beautiful girl in the black dress)

When I go to hospital to get these 6 teeth removed, I won't be able to eat properly for over a week apparently, see as Ill have a mouth full of stiches. Usually the procedure takes 90minutes... my dentist has asked for over 3 hours!!!!
Well anyway, I've been freaking out for what the heck I'm going to eat seen as everything soft is like a gazillion calories. I found jelly that has like no calories which is great, but yesterday I also found these weight watcher jelly and fruit things which also are really really low in calories which is fantastic.
And soup, I also forget about soup! I'll make my own so I know whats in it.