Pretty little Liars.

Well they may be pretty, they sure won't make us little and yes, they are liars.
Don't understand what I'm talking about? Chocolate of course!
Chocolate.
Words that come to my mind when I say that word;
~ FAT
~Delicious
~Sickening
~ Sweet
~Fail this weeks weigh in.

You see, chocolate and I had a run in this week. As it is after easter, all eggs are 50% off.
I found a beautiful egg which cost $1.50, so naturally I looked at the nutritional information and found that per serve was about 150 calories. I decided to give up lunch so I could have it.
Anywho long story short, after I started eating it, I found out that a serve wasn't the whole egg, no, it was per quarter. Devastated. Seen as the egg is almost gone you can see my problem.
This week I've given in to lamingtons, had chocolate and 2 cream biscuits.
Sad news is; I'm not going to make this weeks weigh in. There is no chance of redemption.
Such deception, the egg was so thin and it makes you think there are little calories, what a lie.

This is the culprit;

Endless cycle

Ate about 1000 calories today. Feeling mega sick though. Won't be doing that again any time soon.
Note to self; going from 600 to 1000 calories is NOT a good idea. Even if it is all vegetarian food and lamington fingers. Oh boy, lamington fingers... my kryptonite. Over the past 2 days I've had 6. They are about 85 calories each. You can see the problem. The worst part is, I wanted so much more, I'm pretty sure I could have finished the packed in one day if I had let myself, and that's not exaggerating.
At least I have proven to myself that I have some self restraint. I can do it after all.
I hate this feeling of being so full, it's like I went so Sizzlers (buffet restaurant in Australia) and stuffed my face with pasta, potato, cheese bread and deserts.
It just goes to prove that my body does not really need that amount of calories. I find that my day works out well if I have a decent breakfast that keeps me going, then a very light lunch or no lunch at all, then I distract myself until dinner and try to have something small at dinner so I don't end up feeling bloated and sick (like I do now). I eat when I'm hungry (mostly) so everything is good.
Was 65.2kg's this morning, probably won't be that tomorrow... argh!

I think nearly everyone fell of the face of the planet with there blogs!

Monday Weigh- In 25.April.11 ANZAC Day, Lest we forget.

ANZAC (Australian & New Zealand Army Corps) Day today; let we forget. Happy Easter as well.

On this day we remember the 1915 landings at Gallipoli. 

The Australian, New Zealand, British and French troops were involved in a series of coordinated landings. Although the Gallipoli campaign was a military failure, the anniversary of the landing has become a national day of commemoration in Australia.

“They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.”

Lest we forget the brave diggers. Not only are we remembering those who fell in 1915, but this day is also one to remember the sacrifice of the other fallen soldiers over the years. 

Todays weight; 65.3kg's (144 lb). Average calories consumed per day since the brownie incident; 600.

I asked for no Easter eggs and luckily got none. 

Personal goal for 2nd May; 65kg's (143.3 lb).

I kept up with all your blogs, I just didn't blog myself. 

Struggling with my Mental Health assignment. 

Have people coming over today, they will be here for 4 days, they are vegetarian- I love chicken. Seen as I'm the one who does the cooking, I had to find recipes, I don't understand how it's better when the calories are worse then what I eat when I have chicken included. 

Bye for now but not forever

This is goodbye for now, but certainly not forever. I'll most likely be back next week ready for monday's weigh in, possibly earlier. Last night's brownie incident made me realise I need to concentrate on me. I am now watching my calorie intake like a compulsive person and will do so until I am satisfied. I am going to the gym for an hour today to get on a treadmill and work off those fricken brownies. Yesterday morning I was 65.6kg's, now I am 65.9kg's. I'll be back soon with a lower weight and a more positive outlook. See you soon.

Binged big time on brownies

Title explains it pretty well.
Home made brownies + me = binge = ruin any progress + major self loathing.

This day of BEAUTY

Morning;

So totally peeved this morning. 65.7kg’s (144.8 lb). I wanted it to be better than that. ARGH. I’m never satisfied.Why’d I set that challenge? It’s a total bitch. Mission freaking impossible. I better actually try or I can't ask you to do the same.

My scales are dying (under all my weight), it’s never had so much of a work out; I now weight myself at least once a day every day. So now I have to go buy a new one. The problem is, I’m afraid that having a different scale will show a different weight. Do you get what I mean?  At least if I buy my own then I can keep it in my bathroom. I am going to post pictures tomorrow of what I look like now, on my progress page, I can’t take them today- parentals are around. Brace yourselves, it’s going to be NASTY.

I wish people would blog more often! Reading your blogs puts a smile on my dile  :)  
Fading Butterfly; this morning you made me laugh and I really needed it.

And I’m glad that you and the_dark_kight are going to try to do the challenge with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Afternoon;

Today was a pretty good day (except for a lower weight on the scale, and it would have been good if my dad DIDN'T see my blog, he saw the blog name, so now I've had to delete my history and I'll have to sign out when I'm done to be extra pre-cautious).

My eyes. That’s one thing about me that is truly beautiful. I love my ever-receding stomach. I once had a mega-muffin-top but it is no more. I’m certainly not there yet, but it will one day be flat.I love my hip bones and ribs that will one day stick out and I’ll be able to feel them without having to press through the fat.

To date (from the 14^th of February- the official start date) I have lost 4.7 kilograms (10.36 lbs), ok so when you look at it that way, it isn’t really that much but something is better than nothing! From January I have lost about 7.3 kilograms (16.09 lbs). – let’s stick with January :)

So what is beautiful about you? If I can say something about me – even though it’s taken all damn day- then you too can find something about yourself. 

Hear that thunder? It's my thighs

Rain rain stay all day. It is a lovely overcast rainy day today. But sadly the only thunder around is my thighs. Yep, I'm positive that they are getting bigger. GAH!
I love love love the rain and storms. I love tin roofs that make it easy to hear the rain when I lay in bed.
65.5kg's this afternoon. I'm positive that I will make tomorrow's weigh-in goal.

I'm making myself a challenge for tomorrow (monday), and I'd appreciate it if you would have a go with me. I know it's not going to be easy, but it's just going to be for a day.

The challenge; To tell yourself your beautiful. And mean it. Not on the inside, the outside. Even if you can only find one thing. Look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself  "I am beautiful". Stand there and say it until you mean it. Say it over and over and over again until you get it into your head that you are beautiful, on the outside!

And for those of us that have weigh in's tomorrow, no matter what that scale shows, know that you've done well. Look at how far you've come; whether we add the kilograms up and look at it that way, or look at our new habits compared to the old ones that held you back.

A challenge for the computer literate

Ok, so I'm trying to add another page where I can put up pictures of my progress.
I just worked out how to do that, but how do I change the colours so you can actually see there is an extra page? because at the moment you cant see it until you move the cursor over it
Dearest people of there who are computer/ blog literate, please help me.

Day of rest

Saturday!!! My day of rest- not that I haven't been resting like all week. Oh well today I decided that I'm just going to read. I got up at 10.30!!! sooo late. half the day is gone already. 
Ate 3 cookies last night, it started a feeding frenzy. I raided the whole cupboard to find more cookies. Luckily there were only old oreo's, but I went at them anyway... I soon spat it out because it was soft! Ew lol. 65.5kg's (144.4) this morning.. my parents weren't home, so I could weight myself easily.  
Peaches for breakfast, the tinned stuff.
Thank you for those who wished me well :)  I felt much loved and it meant a lot.
Forgot to mention about when I went to dinner with my friends, the one I who always notices things told me that I'd lost weight again.. haha it's been like 2 months since I've seen them; I've lost heaps since then. 
We once had a conversation on how much we all thought was our best weight that we wanted to be, they said 65kg's for them... I went along and said the same (though in my head it's 60). 
Anywho; She again asked me what my UGW was and I said 60kg's. I don't know what she was thinking because she is very hard to read. 
Well I'm glad that someone knows, but then again I'm not. I know she won't tell anyone, but now it's not like my little secret any more. Oh well.

I'm still alive

Sorry I've been absent for AGESSSS. I just haven't had the energy. Still sick but fever is gone and I only have a sore throat and blocked nose.
After the fever went, I pretty much had my appetite back.
This mornings (friday) weight 65.7kg's (144.8). Pretty happy with that.
Met up with my 2 closest friends last night, we haven't seen each other since the last time I blogged about it. Ages ago I know. It was so much fun, we went out for dinner but when it was over we didn't want to leave, so we went shops (it was late night shopping so the shops are open later). Then one of them had to go home, so my other friend and I went for a drive. We ended up at the beach! And now I can barely talk because I did a lot of yelling at different coloured flashing lights- I said they were from a UFO. I laughed so much that I had to park the car because I was light headed.
Looking forward to Monday's weight in. Now I'm going to read all you'll blogs and get up to date!

Sick

It's 6am where I am. I'm completely sick. Had a fever last night with a temperature of 38.1degrees Celsius. Feel like crap so this will be my only post today. Was going to go to uni to study (yes even though I have 3 weeks off), but now I'm going to stay at home.

Monday Weigh In... 11.April.11

Success! 66.1kg's (145.7) this morning. Totally beat this weeks personal goal (66.5kg's).
Actual goal for 11.04.11 67.3kg's (148.4).

Went to the Fremantle Bakehouse today for brunch, best blueberry muffins EVER! 

But, I decided to have a fruit salad instead, though I bought the muffin for later. Also had a cheese twist.

Feeling pretty stuffed up- sickness wise- and I have a headache which is not making my mood any good but at least it means I won't be snacking, and all I'm having for dinner is a salad. I really just need peace and quiet right now.
This weeks personal goal; 65.7kg's (144.8). I have to get out of the 66kg area.
I'm now going to lay down with my ice-cold water and have a few panadol.

Control

I've only ever been drunk once. My- at the time- good friend decided he would take me out and get me drunk. Being a drinking virgin, I must say it took a LOT to get me there. It didn't last more than a few hours because I felt out of control. When I realised that, I drank water like a fish to flush it all out of my system. I have control issues. I always have to be in control, especially of my body, and when I'm not I'll do just about anything to change it. So when people ask me at parties why I'm not drinking I just say that I don't drink. They just think it's because I'm some good girl who plays by the rules, they never read into it. I can't be like the other girls who just go and get drunk and let other people take care of them, because if I don't take care of me, then no one will. 

Never relinquish control, because once you have, even for just a moment, it’s so damn hard to get back. Take last night for instance; I let go and just had fun and didn’t worry... and that made today a food disaster. I’ve eaten so much bad stuff it’s not even funny. I was 66.4kg’s this morning, so I won’t be surprised if on Monday I’m 67kg’s. I’m going to work tomorrow and then I’m going to come home and go for a walk instead of eating lunch. I really want that 66.5kg’s or less for this week. I know I can, I just have to keep reminding myself of WHY I’m doing this. I have the strength and the will power, I just have to dig down deep and find it.

"If you want something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t. you’ll find an excuse."

Update on dinner

Oh my, If I died right now, I would be one happy girl. Dinner was FANTASTIC. I had a great time, great service and excellent food. As previously mentioned, it's a set 3 course meal, but I only has 1/3 of my entree, 2/3 of my main and the whole desert. I ate the whole desert and it was worth every single bite. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing. Nom nom nom nom nom!
If I get on the scale tomorrow and the number is 67kg's then so be it! It was worth it! I know I'll feel differently tomorrow so I'm savouring every moment.
Food is my friend and that why I'm fat., but it felt good to just let go for one night.
I haven't been able to go near my beloved pasta because of the fear of being out of control. But we've skipped Autumn and pretty much gone into winter early so it's COLD! (For Australia anyway), and that means I am sure to be having it soon. Its been easier to just not have it, the to have it and realise that I would give in. WOULD, not any more. BRING IT ON!!!!!!!! lol I'm a tad happy, I think they spiked my mocktail... :)  Have a great day all you fellow bloggers. Don't be afraid to face your fears, It's the only way we learn and it shows how far we've come.

Pit of Despair

Post from earlier today;

Feeling vulnerable today. I’m wearing my skintight dress and I can see the fat wobble on my legs when I walk past a window, I bought a jacket to cover them while I sit down. Why do you guys even follow me? I’m nothing special. I might as well be no one. I’m just another soul consuming oxygen and food, producing nothing but carbon dioxide and fat.

I’m upset because everyone else out there is blog world is getting smaller and smaller yet I can’t seem to move my weight down fast enough. Went from 66kg’s yesterday to 66.3kg’s today- I didn’t even have 800 calories!!. I have this lump in my throat that I can’t seem to get rid of, and the acid in my stomach is not cool. I had my normal breakfast; 2 sliced of bread with peanut butter, so I do no why it burns. I should have stayed with the darn yoghurt. Tomorrow & Sunday will be yoghurt only for breakfast.

The worst part is, I’m going out for dinner today (for my Mum’s friends party thing), it’s a set 3 course meal. Earlier in the week I allocated 1200calories for today. Lets hope I can forget 800 calories and just have a good time.

 Post from now :)

On the up side; I made this awesome chicken soup thing yesterday. I just made it because I wanted to, I didn’t use a recipe. It was raining last night and it’s starting to get cooler here now so I’m glad I made it.

Ingredients; mushrooms, carrot, bok choi, red cabbage, broccoli, peas, 1kg of chicken drums, 2 chicken stock cubes, 1.5L of water, salt for seasoning, cinnamon, crushed garlic and ginger. It tastes SO good! Plus it’s really healthy. 

Ok so I've gotten out of my pity-party-for-one mood. I still don't have a clue why anyone follows me (I now have 4 followers!) I've decided to just go out and have a good time tonight. I'll be doing my reading for mental health while I wait for my parents to arrive at the restaurant.

Stuff looking on the bad side, I need to be looking at how far I've come, how much I've already achieved! In January I was 73 KG'S (160.9 lbs)!!! Now I'm like 66.5 (?) (146.6). 

That's 6.5kg's (14.3 lbs)!!! 

P.s. You may notice that I've changed things up a bit, I've added some colour to my stats and also some more goals. Already ticked one off, can't wait for the rest to be as well!

Grocery Shopping & Weight issues.

So I went food shopping today.

I only needed to buy 3 things (I ended up coming home with 4).

It took me an hour.

I can't go food shopping with my parents anymore, I spend too long looking at all the labels. 

Never, I repeat NEVER go food shopping before you've had something to eat. I learnt my lesson today.

ARGH! All I needed was milk for my dad (he gets home tomorrow), 2 green apples (for a desert I'm making my parents on saturday), and pepsi max (no sugar/ diet soda). 

Silly me didn't have lunch before hand (it was just before 2pm) and I hadn't eaten anything after breakfast (9.30am). Not smart.

Every isle I went down I stopped and went to get something; like a packet of biscuits, chips, cake mix or chocolate yoghurt. I'd pick it up, read the how many calories where in it, then put it back down after realising that it either had too many calories in it, or it had an ok amount (like 25 per biscuit) but I knew that one wouldn't be enough. So to stop me from even going there I'd just put it down and walk away.

It was a huge struggle the entire time. 

I made a promise to myself once that if I ever saw these caramel covered popcorn things on sale then I'd buy them. They were on sale today :(   But I bought them anyway. 200 calories later, I now regret making that darn promise.

Total calories for the day; About 785

I feel emotionless right now. Detached. I watched 2 programs today, 1. Super size versus Super skinny KIDS version.  2. Too fat for 15; Fighting back.

Program 2 featured a 'Super Morbidly Obese' girl in it. She was 17years old.  231kg's (510 pounds). I was shocked and sad for her. She was so big that she had no neck, her head was held up right by fat. She played basket ball for literally 30 seconds before she had to sit down. Her legs were bowing inwards because of her weight. If she didn't loose a serious amount of weight and fast, then she would be dead very soon. She was determined to change and I applaud her, but how did she get that big without some intervention previously? 

****Please don't take offence to what I'm about to say, this is my own opinion and I am not 'pro ana or mia' but I am pro healthy or even pro choice. I believe that we should all live within a healthy weight range, or even what makes us happy. If it makes sense; Don't live to eat or eat to live, just live and eat. I have no idea what it is like to have an ED so I can't comment on his personal inner struggles (or anyone else's, my own struggles with food are bad enough). I can however, voice my own opinion on what I witnessed.****

Program 1 showed a 19 year old guy with anorexia nervosa, his lowest weight was 28 kg's (61.7 lbs). I cried when I saw his body. The fact is, it was ugly. He had chicken legs that you could basically drive a car thru because they were so far apart. I love the idea of having a gap between my thunder thighs, but this was more then extreme. At his lowest weight his vital organs had start to shut down. He couldn't walk and he had to be force fed because he was so afraid of gaining weight that he wouldn't even drink water. It scared the crap out of me. 

He's now trying to recover. He fights every day to survive. He hates his ED, not only because it's destroyed him, but because it's killing his family.

I don't have an ED, nor do I want one. I don't believe that I have a right to criticise anyone on something that I know nothing about, wether it be weight, ED's, religion, gay rights, etc etc.

The worst part is, I'm afraid that I will get one. It's highly unlikely, but who knows? 

I weighed myself 6 times today. I'm scared for the future. Worried that I've started something that I won't be able to stop. When I started my ultimate goal weight was 60kg's, now I don't feel its low enough.

My emotions are a mess. Time for sleep. Please forgive me if I have upset any of you. I mean only to voice my thoughts, not offend or judge.

Shhh.. it's a secret...

I've been reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I'm only a few pages in but I highly recommend it.
The general gist of it, is positive thinking. How our thoughts become things. I believe every word of it as well. Just think, ever had a  really bad day? and just when you think things couldn't get any worse, it does.

Well I'm using this newly found knowledge to help me on my quest for success.
My positive thoughts of thinness are going to make me be thin. It will become a reality.
I sound like a total whack job, but honestly, read the damn book. It will make complete sense.
It's not very expensive and worth every cent.

Goal weight for the 4th of April 68.07kg's. This mornings weight; 66.0kg's :)  I'm not supposed to be this weight until the 16th of May!

"Success Is Determined By How Determined You Are To Succeed" 

Monday Weigh-In Substitute (05.April.11)

Yes it's tuesday but I couldn't weigh myself yesterday because the scales were  in the parentals bathroom and I had to leave early so I didn't want to wake my Dad up because he would have been majorly annoyed. Plus I don't want him to know that I'm weighing myself frequently, he's already suspicious.
    My Mum keeps saying things 'you just look so good, I can't tell you how much your shape has changed'... blah blah blah, like it was nice at first and all, but now I'm sick of it. It's also kind of insulting. I know I weighed more before, but the fact that they keep going on and on about it, yet they never actually said it to my face isn't making me feel great.

SO! Today's substitute monday weigh-in came up as; 66.2 kg's (146).
I know why and I'm not expecting it to stay, but I enjoyed seeing it.
I'll do it again tomorrow and if it's relatively the same then I will re-evaluated this weeks personal goal.
Calorie reduction didn't go so well today. About 1000. Tomorrow will be better. I believe that, because I believe in myself.

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."

P.s. The assignment was handed in today. I got a total of 8.5hours sleep combined over two days. So glad it's over. As you can tell by my last post, I get kind of intense over my grades some times.  

I'll be starting my mental health assignment on thursday.

Sweet sweet death

5 minutes ago I wanted to kill myself. You honestly have know idea how much I mean that statement. I hate this assignment. I just found out I was doing the whole thing wrong. Now I have to start from scratch and tomorrow is my only chance. FUCK MY LIFE. That is all.

Little Miss not Piggy

Went out for dinner tonight.. before I go any further I want you all to know that this year is THE MOST I've ever been out to dinner.... anyway, we wen't out to tea & I found it really hard to order, I ended up getting a grilled chicken burger (instead of a crispy chicken one which is deep fried) and I asked for no cheese, onion or ranch sauce, and it was with a side of curly fries (it just normal fries but curly like pigs tales). I think I did well.
Then when it came time to eat it, I cut my burger in half because I decided that my goal would be to only eat half. I did better than that, I cut my half into 3 sections and ate only 2 of them. Yay me :)
I had 2 coke zero's instead of a milkshake or even regular soft drink.
I feel like I've accomplished something tonight. The best part is, it looked like I ate more then I did because I cut the other half in 2 and gave a slice each to my parents.
I'm thinking of starting a dance class soon, at the moment its only for middle aged people but my Mum is going to ask if they have one for youth. If they don't I think I'll just put up with the old people. It's only $12 a week so its not a bad price.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, (Friday-up until dinner) & saturday next week I am restricting. I've been a bit lazy this week so it's my punishment. I'm going down to 800 calories max per day.

"The end result is worth the fight."


Personal Goal for Monday the 11th of April; 66.5 kg's (146.6)

Krazy Kitty

So my cat just chucked a major psycho so I ran out of the room to find him, I turned on the light to find another cat outside egging him on. My cat was on one side of the glass, and this cat was on the other.

There is a moral to this story, well not so much a moral, but it reminds me of my week. I was the glass. Both my friends were going at each other. I refused to take sides, so I was literally in the middle. Switzerland.
The psycho part reminds me of my mind and mood this week. Total yoyo. Extreme opposites at times. Take today for instance, I was sooo unenthused, then in car, I brake out dancing and bouncing up and down and singing my heart out to poor Queen, Taylor Swift, Ben E. King & 3 Doors Down. (I pretty much like every type of music except death metal or that marilyn manson type crap).

Weight this morning; 67.0kg's (147.7).

Test went well today. Think I passed. (It doesn't have a % it's just pass or fail)
Monday's test results came in; 78%  Happy with it, I think.
Assignment due tuesday. Have heaps to go, so I'll be at uni again tomorrow (saturday) and maybe even sunday. I'll be glad when its over, but then I have to start my mental health assignment which is due 2 weeks later, but I have prac so I won't be able to work on it.

ARGH! So busy! At least I'll be getting plenty of exercise.