I only needed to buy 3 things (I ended up coming home with 4).
It took me an hour.
I can't go food shopping with my parents anymore, I spend too long looking at all the labels.
Never, I repeat NEVER go food shopping before you've had something to eat. I learnt my lesson today.
ARGH! All I needed was milk for my dad (he gets home tomorrow), 2 green apples (for a desert I'm making my parents on saturday), and pepsi max (no sugar/ diet soda).
Silly me didn't have lunch before hand (it was just before 2pm) and I hadn't eaten anything after breakfast (9.30am). Not smart.
Every isle I went down I stopped and went to get something; like a packet of biscuits, chips, cake mix or chocolate yoghurt. I'd pick it up, read the how many calories where in it, then put it back down after realising that it either had too many calories in it, or it had an ok amount (like 25 per biscuit) but I knew that one wouldn't be enough. So to stop me from even going there I'd just put it down and walk away.
It was a huge struggle the entire time.
I made a promise to myself once that if I ever saw these caramel covered popcorn things on sale then I'd buy them. They were on sale today :( But I bought them anyway. 200 calories later, I now regret making that darn promise.
Total calories for the day; About 785
I feel emotionless right now. Detached. I watched 2 programs today, 1. Super size versus Super skinny KIDS version. 2. Too fat for 15; Fighting back.
Program 2 featured a 'Super Morbidly Obese' girl in it. She was 17years old. 231kg's (510 pounds). I was shocked and sad for her. She was so big that she had no neck, her head was held up right by fat. She played basket ball for literally 30 seconds before she had to sit down. Her legs were bowing inwards because of her weight. If she didn't loose a serious amount of weight and fast, then she would be dead very soon. She was determined to change and I applaud her, but how did she get that big without some intervention previously?
****Please don't take offence to what I'm about to say, this is my own opinion and I am not 'pro ana or mia' but I am pro healthy or even pro choice. I believe that we should all live within a healthy weight range, or even what makes us happy. If it makes sense; Don't live to eat or eat to live, just live and eat. I have no idea what it is like to have an ED so I can't comment on his personal inner struggles (or anyone else's, my own struggles with food are bad enough). I can however, voice my own opinion on what I witnessed.****
Program 1 showed a 19 year old guy with anorexia nervosa, his lowest weight was 28 kg's (61.7 lbs). I cried when I saw his body. The fact is, it was ugly. He had chicken legs that you could basically drive a car thru because they were so far apart. I love the idea of having a gap between my thunder thighs, but this was more then extreme. At his lowest weight his vital organs had start to shut down. He couldn't walk and he had to be force fed because he was so afraid of gaining weight that he wouldn't even drink water. It scared the crap out of me.
He's now trying to recover. He fights every day to survive. He hates his ED, not only because it's destroyed him, but because it's killing his family.
I don't have an ED, nor do I want one. I don't believe that I have a right to criticise anyone on something that I know nothing about, wether it be weight, ED's, religion, gay rights, etc etc.
The worst part is, I'm afraid that I will get one. It's highly unlikely, but who knows?
I weighed myself 6 times today. I'm scared for the future. Worried that I've started something that I won't be able to stop. When I started my ultimate goal weight was 60kg's, now I don't feel its low enough.
My emotions are a mess. Time for sleep. Please forgive me if I have upset any of you. I mean only to voice my thoughts, not offend or judge.