Somebody save me

I've fallen from a solid place where I am strong and determined, into a hole where wake up and binge every day until I ache and then I continue eating. I can't seem to stop, it makes me sick just thinking about how much crap is going into my body and how big I'm getting so fast. Roughly 4000 calories a day so far. Somebody save me. All I want to do is die.

Christmas, Christmas Eve & Christmas Thinspo

It's (was) christmas eve! Today's weight; 57.1kg's (125.9). It's not ideal, but it's a new low.


Thinness has a price. What are you willing to sacrifice?
The last two weeks have been extremely hard. This is a place where I know I can just be myself, so in all honesty, it's been what I imagine life is like with an eating disorder. My calorie intake was never above 600 or 700 a day- and that's talking absolute maximum.

The worst parts; I didn't even notice it, but I got into major trouble with my parents for my attitude and moods. I constantly focused on what my mouth was doing. If I realised that I had started to snack on something (not a main meal) then I would chew and spit.

My hair is shocking. It has never been so frizzy. It's horrible. My skin takes for ever to heal (not that it was exactly fast to begin with), I look tired and pale.

Surprisingly, I never really felt hungry. That probably has something to do with the amount of diet soft drink I was having. I will never do that again, 3-5 cans a day of sugar free stuff has caused my back and shoulder to break out in heaps and heaps of pimples. Oh my, it's disgusting and it's never happened before in my life.

Benefits; Tendons, collar bones, thigh gap, smaller clothes.
Worth it? To me, well, it's a tie. Yes and no. Yes because of the benefits, no because I don't like being moody, my skin was beautiful and my hair is destroyed. People, that was only 2 weeks worth.

It's now Christmas day (technically early morning (1am) on the 26th).. but I'm trying to recover from a food coma, seriously, I ate my whole 2 weeks worth of calories in one day. I now feel nauseous but at the time it was great to just indulge.

I also have some christmas thinspo! Please note that these don't really represent an Australian christmas. Luckily it only got up to about 33 degrees Celsius today. Last year it was over 40!

Monday Weigh-In (19.December.2011)

Ohh my GOSH I'm so fricken annoyed. Seriously. I've been really really really good this whole week. I've stuck to my new vegetarian diet like a mad woman and I've exercised every darn day. Yesterday morning I weighed 57.6kg's. Then yesterday, of course, my family decides to go to the Swan Valley; Chocolate and Ice-cream await. I didn't even have any nougat and for lunch I had a salad. I had MAXIMUM 1.5 Tablespoons of chocolate, but I think the killer was the 'kids size' sorbet ice-cream which I didn't even finish. ARGHHHH. Why oh why oh why oh why!
Therefore this mornings weight is; 57.9kg's (127.6)! FML (F* my life)
I was at least hoping for 57.5kg's (126.8).

I guess some good news; you can see my tendons in my hands much easier again and I have a tiny gap between my thighs.
But now I have 5 day to get as close to 55kg's (121) as possible.
Exercise goal for this week; gym twice a day for at least 3 days.

What are your christmas goals??

Monday Weigh-In (12.December.2011)

Well I'm back from sydney. When I got on the scale the morning after I got home on friday.. 60kgs. 

I thought it would be much worse.

Seriously though I have like no motivation today and I have less that 2 weeks to loose 5kg's (11 pounds).

This mornings weight; 59.6kg's (131.4)

I know I’ve gotten larger because my hands are now fat. Yes thats right, my hands. Before you could easily see the tendons and stuff, now they are barely visible. Not to mention my legs. The don’t even have a gap anymore. I know that the one I had previously was only minor, but seriously, some gap is better than no gap.

Plan up until christmas day;

Gym almost every day; during lunch or at dinner, when not working.

Fruit and vegetables ONLY, except for egg, I need protein in there somewhere, and fat free salad dressing. I need to detox my poor body from all these horrible carbs. 

I need to work on my thighs especially. I keep doing the same boring exercise machines. I'm getting bored so I think I'll try some of the classes that are available at the gym like yoga and combat classes.

Monday Weigh-In (28. November.2011)

Hellooo from SYDNEY!!! I can tell you firstly that I am loving the relaxation and all the HOT guys, seriously, so much tan and muscle, italian, greek and lebanese guys yum yum yum. I wish I still lived here, there are seriously no hot guys in Perth. 

My uncle and I went to a restaurant called Aria (It's very well know and it is a famous Australian chefs restaurant) right next to the Opera House, the day after I arrived. It was beautiful, it overlooked the beautiful Harbour Bridge as well and the water looked beautiful even thought it was over cast.

The food was exquisite and for once I didn't even think about the calories.

Life at my grandparents; Very hard food wise, their diet mainly consists of carbs, biscuits and cakes (I guess because its easy and cheap- thank gosh they don't live off fast food!) I've tried buying my own food and making salads etc etc but they get insulted and angry at me. I am seriously coming home fat. ARGH I feel like my hard work is going down the drain. I am going to have to go to drastic measures when I get home. Literally like no dinner or lunch, gym every day. 

At least I've been getting out of the house most days going for walks. Everything is so close.

Todays weight (according to my grandparents scales) is 60kg's.

I'm sitting here at macca's (McDonalds) on the free internet. 

Monday Weigh-In (22. November.2011)

59.7kg's (131.6) FML what did i do! ARGH
exam finally over, gym all day tomorrow then wednesday afternoon as well.

Monday Weigh-In (14. November.2011)

58kg's this morning. (127.9). It's nothing great, but better than nothing and especially better than a gain.
 I guess its also good considering that its exam time.
Exam's on wednesday, thursday and next monday, then on that thursday (the 24th) I'm off to sydney, where my grandparents will be watching everything I eat. Oh joy.

Monday Weigh-In (07. November.2011)

So my weight yesterday was 58.3kg's (128.5). Not a shock at all, and I'm ok with it.
Ha, can't believe I said that, but it's true, I'm actually not freaking out. I had a great week of eating.
Now... back to my new 'normal'- healthy that is.
I have no goal weigh for the coming week, because it's exam study week and that has to take priority.
I'm just praying that the number goes down.

I've decided that I haven't posted a pic of me in ages so.. here is a birthday one for you all!
I was 57.1kg's in this photo (125.9) on the 1st of november 2011!!

and then this is me again on the 5th of november :)
(not a great pic, the outfit makes me look super skinny in person, my leg looks fat in this photo, but it's just because its on a weird angle)

Birthday girl 01.11.11 Turned 20

Wow what a day, my beautiful friends surprised me with decorating the house.
It still makes me cry thinking that I'm now 20. Stupid I know, but I really really hate it.

I'll explain later, but what I thought would be a quiet night in, turned into a MASSIVE amount of calories. I'm talking around 4000 and I'm actually not exaggerating. M&M's, roast chicken and veggies, sparkling apple juice, ice-cream and custard with breakfast, Ice-cream cake with extra different scoops of ice-cream for dessert and more M&M's. I'm sure there was much much more, but I can't think right now its so late. I took laxatives but I know the damage is done. I stepped on the scale.. 3kg's heavier.

Its almost my birthday and I'll cry if I want to

Tomorrow is my birthday, I dread turning 20. I feel like I am getting old and now I have to think of all these things and have heaps more responsibility and everything costs so much more. I really hate it. I just want to break down and cry, so for the last few days, thats what I've been doing. Any time I was alone, I just cried. Tomorrow means icecream cake, roast chicken and roast veggies and who knows what else. I don't want to celebrate.

Todays weight; 57.1kg's. (125.9). Big shock that was!

In about February I bought this dress for a friends birthday party, I mentioned it in a post back then. Anyway.. I decided to try it on tonight.. IT FIT!!!! I couldn't even get the zip up last time! Oh it was great, so I am wearing it out on Saturday to this fancy church function. Then on sunday I am wearing this new skirt, its totally not me; clings to the thighs and is short, but I have to admit, I LOVE the way it looks!


Comments;

Little miss thin; You will loose to! You work so much harder than I do, don't worry, you will get there.

Scarlett; It helps when my parents want to exercise, but no we have an exchange student living with us, and my mum went and bought all this junk food. I was SO angry, I seriously broke down crying I was that mad. She just doesn't get how hard it is for me with this stuff in the house.

More than large

I know I'm heavier this week. The question is, by how much. I feel awfully fat.

Monday Weigh-In (24.October.2011)

Well well, just as I was about to give up..
I made mum and dad go for a bike ride yesterday. We did about 7kms.
It was really nice because we rode by the water, there was a lovely breeze and the sun was out but with clouds. They really liked it and are now thinking of doing it more frequently. It's funny, considering they fought me the whole time before we went because they didn't want to do it.
So now, hopefully, mum and I will go again on sunday, except at a different place.

I'm now on prac for university again, which means much much more temptation and more food is essential because I find when I restrict, then I tend to almost faint- not so good.

Most important thing of all! This weeks weight!! 57.2kg's!!! (126.1) I was so amazed. I know its not going to last but oh man it was so good to see! Finally, some progress after so long.

Monday Weigh-In (17.October.2011)

ARGH so pissed off! 58.6kg's! (129.2)  58.9kg's (129.9)Why oh why oh why can't I get away from this weight!!
It's seriously annoying me now, I'm getting no where fast and the christmas deadline of 55kg's (121.3) seems impossible. Last week was a good food and exercise week and I've been doing the exercises physio gave me for my shoulder and wrist (which somehow I've stuffed up and they hurt so much I had to get something done).
Ohhh and another thing to add to my crappy day... looks like 'that time of the month' has returned. So after 4 month it just decides to come back. Thats just annoying.

Edit; Thanks little miss thin, I really hope so. Not the yoyo of gaining then loosing and then gain more and more is just driving me insane.

Monday Weigh-In (10.October.2011) & Something else for the whales out there

Today is a good day. I'm loving the weather at the moment, its sunny but cool, perfect for exercise; but there's only one problem.. I now have to study because exams are in a few weeks. Hopefully I will still get out there and enjoy it though.
Todays weight; 58.6kg's (129.2). I never thought I'd see this number again! It's like I've been given another chance, this time I'm not going to take it for granted.
It will be a good week and I will loose a good amount of weight.
Less than a month until my birthday and I want to be looking good!

I booked my flight to new south wales yesterday. I'll be going 2 days after my exams finish!

There's a story circulating facebook at the moment and I thought you all might like it;

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

Keep going

I just have to keep going.
Just have to keep trying.

Today has been the first day I've actually been disciplined. 1 boiled egg for breakfast and a large apple. Lunch was a few slices of beetroot. Went out to dinner with mum and dad; only because they get really shitty with me now if I don't. So I went, but I was strong.
I filled up on water, and didn't eat one carb (except for about a tablespoon of chickpeas)- no garlic bread (even though they ordered it- i let them eat it),  I had a side salad, without the dressing, it was cucumber, lettuce, 1/2 cherry tomato, some carrot and a few chickpeas.
For drinks I has water and a large diet coke. I drank so much water that I almost threw up.

Thin. The end goal. Worth every fight. 

.something.so.small. Thank you, I'll try.

Thinspo...

Monday Weigh-In (03.october.2011)

I feel like I'm falling into a cloud of fog, lost and confused. Loosing myself.
My weight has been horrible, but my effort has been worse.
I try, and then I don't. My discipline has vanished. I continually give in over and over and over again.
I keep thinking that it's ok, just once more, just once piece of happiness, but it's never enough.
It's getting harder and I have no will. What do I do?
I'm sick of 'having breaks' to get back on top of things. Nothing is working. Everything I have achieved is slipping out of my grasp.
59.1kg's (130.3)

Thinspo...

brief post

59.3kg's on monday 26th. I knew it was coming, my uncle has been with us so there was lots of meat and carbs involved; something I'm not used to theses days.
 I've been on prac this week so too busy to post. Was sick yesterday-literally- so I didn't eat much at all. Hoping to get back on track. Next week will be great because I have most of the week off which means loads of exercise and time spent on watching what I eat. Next week; restricting to 800 calories for 6 days and then a 'free' day (as in, in case I go out with the family).
Mum and I go for walks more frequently now, I really like spending that time with her, plus the exercise and sunshine is great.

Monday Weigh-In (19. September.2011)

Well what a day! I started my university prac today and it was great.
Sorry I've been absent.. I've has 3 assignment to do in 2 weeks! So all my energy and time was taken up buy that.
I completely thought I gained this week, but apparently not; 58.6kg's (129.2)! yay.
Finally out of the 59kg area! Its been soo long.
.. I had ice-cream just now, because I wanted to treat myself for all the hard work I've done on the assignments... and considering I'm lactose intolerant, I am now paying the price with a very rumbly tummy!

In other more exciting news... my little sister is in NEW YORK! Home of the Americans where McDonalds is on every street corner. I made her a list of things to do while she's there, like get twislers, ding dongs, twinkies.. bahahahhaha what hilarious names!! I got them off TV shows (eg gilmore girls), so I'm getting her to try them while she's there to see what they're really like.

Now for the best part.. THINSPO! I forget which ones I've already put up, so sorry if you've seen it all before.

Monday Weigh-In (12. September.2011)

59.2kg's this morning. WTF. I'm sure its water weight because this week I can even see the difference. For once I actually look like I've lost weight, so I say the scale is wrong!
I change up my schedule heaps this week so I don't have a clue why I'm still plateauing!

It has now officially been over 3 months since I last had my 'that time of the month.'
Luck I know there's no way I'm prego or that would be a worry.
It's technically 3am on tuesday right now, so please excuse me if I make absolutely no sense at all.

Today's calorie intake

Today, my goal was no OJ with breakfast ( as this adds over 200 calories to my daily intake) and a maximum total of 500 calories.
Goal completed!

I only had 2 mouthfuls of orange juice, because I needed it to swallow the fish oil tablets I take every day. It's impossible to have those things with water.

And I achieved 481 calories maximum;

Egg; 74cal

Apple; 68 cal

Hershey kiss; 22

Malteasers; 70

2 slices of beetroot; (25g?) 15 cal

4 slices of tomato; 11

7 slices of cucumber; 5

lettuce; 2

balsamic vinegar; 14

roast chicken drumstick and a bit of extra chicken; 115 & 40

roast pumpkin (tiny piece); 30

2 mouth full (40ml?) OJ; 15

Tomorrow my intake will be more. Goal for Saturday; 800 calories

The struggle with food continues

Thank you kes, I needed reminding of those points. I implemented that brilliant strategy straight away. Yesterday (Monday) I had around 1300 calories (max)- mainly thanks to my mum making a roast. Today I am hoping for around 700 calories- this will be hard because we have to go out to dinner to celebrate our family friends becoming Australians.

My plan; 1 boiled egg, 254ml of OJ, ¼ an apple for breakfast. Lunch; ¾  an apple, coke zero. Dinner; some type of salad; avoid carbs and anything deep fried at all costs. No chips, no bread, and especially no pasta.

(Breakfast and lunch completed!; total calories thus far= 280) lets hope dinner is as successful!

P.s. In previous posts I've mentioned a friend of mine that I am now competing with (little to her knowledge), well today I found out that she has lost 14 kilograms!!! 14 KG'S!!!!!!! ARGH (31 lb). In only a few months. I AM DEVASTATED! 

Why is it so easy for her when all I seem to do is struggle?? AND what makes it worse; the fact that she still eats all the shitty food; McDonalds, chocolate bars, lollies, carbs, soft drink etc etc 

____________________________________________
Edit; just got back. After the ceremony there was deep fried snacks and savoury pastries available, and I was so tempted.. but I prevailed!! yay me!! then at dinner; I ordered a chicken caesar salad (yes i know what your thinking, BUT..) I ordered it without croutons, without bacon, and without dressing! though I did add tomatoes so it wasn't just lettuce, cheese and chicken. It was huge and I ate the whole thing without feeling guilty.
Today was a great day, I just hope tomorrow is just as good. 


Taking one day at a time.  Wednesdays goal?  Thursdays goal; 500 calories & no OJ with breakfast 

monday Weigh-In (05. September.2011)

Dare I say the P word?
I hate to think it.. but I might be at another plateau.
This mornings weight; 59.2kg's (130.5)
Really frustrating because I wanted 58.5 (129)
My mum is making a roast for dinner.

Ok day

Today was an ok kind of day. I wasn't depressed, yet I wasn't overly happy either. Content is probably the best way to describe it. I over ate today, not in the calorie department (well actually I haven't added it up), but it was pretty much all healthy stuff. I still have that feeling of being too full, so tomorrow I will eat less. I like going to bed feeling light inside, instead I currently feel as though I could replace a boats anchor.

I am incredibly tired after a long day of eating and working on my assignment so I shall leave you with some thinspo...

Monday Weigh-In (29. August.2011)

I never thought that week would end. What a horrible horrible week. Luckily I have a far better out look for the week and I am keen on staying strong and not faltering.
29th of August 2011, when I started (in February)  my goal weight for this week was 61.07kg's (134.6).
Today I am.... 59.3kg's (130.7). Well I can tell you that that is a miracle in itself.
58.5 kg's (129) is this weeks goal.

The laxative I took the other night didn't work, so when I got up in the morning I took another one. It took a good 7 hours to start having any effect. Totally useless.

My dad tried to force me to go to dinner with them last night. I was pretty much in tears at fear of the thought of gaining any more weight. I was already feeling depressed and like a cow. I didn't get out of my PJ's all day. He said that I was getting obsessed.

I realised last night that I have a problem. This is becoming far too much of an unhealthy obsession for me. It's deadly and the path is starting to get darker. I'm not going to let that happen to me. I couldn't even go and spend time with my family and have a good night.

So my plan of action is to; eat larger breakfasts in the hope that I will be satisfied with a health salad and tuna for lunches and therefore won't snack until dinner comes around. Dinner will be earlier and lighter to eat, if not (aka if my mum makes it), then I will have less for breakfast and lunch to compensate.
This week I will avoid carbs (pasta, bread, etc, except for rice- if that counts as a carb?), drink less diet soft drink and more water and exercise at least 3 times.
This afternoon, I am going to try to get my mum to go for a walk with me.

In other news; I might be going to Indonesia again at the end of the year. I look forward to a holiday, but it's still in the 'maybe' stage.

KEEP POSITIVE!!! 

P.s welcome lottie :)  It still amazes me to find out that people care about what I say. ha.

2000

2000. At least 2000. Yep, that's how many calories I had today. A minimum of 2000. I'm so upset with myself. I finally reached my UGW and this week I have done nothing to protect that beautiful number.
Chocolate, cheesecake, bread, pasta, pizza, strawberry jam, full sugar soft drink, rock candy... and I'm sure there is more. I literally feel really sick after today. I will never see a number above 900 until Christmas day.

I know it's my fault, but I'm so angry at my parents for bringing this stuff into the house and cooking it. I was going to skip dinner tonight because of the big lunch I had today... but they made pasta for dinner and said I had to have some. I couldn't control myself.
Earlier this week I took a laxative for the first time. It turned out horrible, and gave me the worst abdominal cramps imaginable. I felt sick for 2 days after that. I swore to myself that I would never do it again.

Well tonight calls for desperate measures. I will not let that pasta be digested. So I will suffer the consequences and pain of that laxative because I will NOT go above my previous UGW. I've weighed myself every day this week and the number was still above mondays weight, so it would have been a possibility that I would have gone over on the weigh in without today happening.
Now that it has, well, I am desperate. I can assure you all that this is not a normal behaviour for me and most likely will never happen again. I'm all for the 'healthy' way, but honestly, after at least 2000 calories, can you really blame me?


You know what the worst part is, my parents want a roast for tea tomorrow. Roast is my all time favourite food and I was literally begging and pleading with them to not do it. I don't think I could live with myself if I ate another fatty thing. Then my my was like 'oh I know, how about we go to that restaurant.." again I begged them not to do it. I told them that I will only eat salad tomorrow. Nothing else for dinner. If I could skip it then I would. The coming week should be better because they will both be going back to work.